Screams & Grumbles

“Outsource This”
by Dane Zeller

Sunday morning, July 14th, 3:17 am. Six foot five inches tall, by the measure at the front door. Two hundred forty pounds, in my estimation. Blue jeans, a red Cardinals baseball cap, no facial hair, but needed a shave.

Three hours of training to be assistant night manager at 7-11 paid off. No clue, though, to the brand of big gun he pointed at me.
“Hand me the till, asshole.”

“Yes sir.”

I hit the zero sale key. Nothing happened.

“What’s taking so long?”

“Uh, it’s not letting me get into the drawer.”

“C’mon, get it out! Now!”

“I’m trying, I’m trying.”

“You’re lying.”

“No, believe me, it’s not my money.  I’m happy to hand it over. I just can’t open the drawer.”

“You got a hammer? I’ll bust that sucker open.”

“I don’t.”

The holdup man shook his head.


He looked more closely at the till.

“What’s that label on the side there?”

“That’s the number for the help desk.”

“Well, shit. Dial ’em up.”

I dialed the 800 number, hoping no one else would enter the store.

“Here, let me talk to them,” the gunman ordered.

I gave him the phone.


“Hello,” he repeated, louder.

“The what?” he asked. “I can’t understand you. Serve Pests?”

“Service desk ,” I offered.

“Oh, service desk.” He calmed down a little.

“You want me to tell you what?” he asked.

“He wants the store number. It’s 8567,” I said.

“Store 8567. Where you at? Philippines? Are you shittin’ me?”

“We can’t get the cash register door open.”

The holdup man rolled his eyes.
“We…can’t…open…the fuckin’ …door of the cash register,” he shouted.

“Press the what?” he asked, looking over at me.

“Press the lum drop button? What the hell is the lum drop button?”

“Num drop…num drock…oh, you mean the num lock key. Geez, who taught you English?

This is going to take all night, isn’t it,” said the hold up man. “All night, comprehenday? Listen to this, bud. You need to get yourself an English Rosetta Stone. They’ve gotta be selling it over there.”
The big man with the gun hung up the phone.

“Well, shit. What if all I wanted was a pecan roll. We’d still have this problem.”

I agreed with the man with the gun.

“Thanks, bud. I’m outta here. Get a different job.”


“How tall was the holdup man?” asked the officer.

“He was about  5′ 9, ” I said.

“Ethnic group?”

I hesitated.



“Nothing I recognized from training.”

“The Russell Senior Home School Curriculum with Class Descriptions: Grade 11-ish”
by Scott Oglesby

Morning Repentance Prayers and Devotionals
6:00 to 6:25
Location- Your bedroom.
Upon waking you will be trusted to dive right into this hectic new schedule. You will be expected to worship and praise God and give your life to Jesus with every cell and piece of DNA in your sinful, adolescent body and beg forgiveness for yourself and for your country.

6:30 to 7:00
Location- Family Room.
Homeroom will be the daily how-do-you-do with mom which will allow us to get ourselves re-enthused and allow us the opportunity to pinpoint any problem areas in the learning process. The class will be served breakfast daily during this period provided they show some appreciation for their mother’s/teacher’s hard work.

Free time
7:00 to 8:00
Location- Bathroom and Bedroom.
You will have this hour to get yourselves ready for the school day ahead.  You will be expected to shower (with soap), brush your teeth (with toothpaste), clean up your room, let old Moses out, do the breakfast dishes, take the garbage out and clean up Moses’ messes in the backyard.  While you get ready every morning you will be expected to ask yourself if
you are really ready, really rapture ready?

Bible Study; Old Testament
8:00 to 9:00
Location- Kitchen Table.
The class will be expected to use their Discernment to learn which parts of The Law are to be honored and upheld, such as most of the ten commandments, especially the one about honoring your parents, and all the parts that mention homosexuals, and which parts can be now be safely ignored without risk of eternal damnation and hellfire, such as that stuff about shellfish. God has no problem with Red Lobster or your cousin Marty wouldn’t be assistant night manager there. He’s devout.

9:05 to 10:00
Location- Kitchen Table.
You guys will work your way through that math textbook that I found at that garage sale, learning about all the educative stuff in there. I’ll be keeping your nose pressed firmly to the grindstone. Don’t think that just because your mamma couldn’t solve for X even if Jesus himself asked her to, that you’ll be getting a free pass. Although if you do perform well you might just get a partial scholarship to Bob Jones University.

10:05 to 11:00 Location- Mostly Finished Game Room.
This period will be spent keeping up to date with current events and social studies via Conservapedia. While Satan and his earthly minions may control the lamestream media, God has blessed us with many resources to continue our walk with Him. You are going to learn to use your discernment to figure out that which is Godly and that what is demonic and evil. (Are demon-crats? How about Lie-berals? Evilutionists?) God’ll tell ya how to separate the wheat from the chaff.

Driver’s Ed, Economics, Behavioral Studies, Marketing, Consumerism,
Public Safety, and Social Interaction
11:00 to 1:00-ish
Location- Mom’s 97 Saturn, Wal-Mart and occasionally if ya’ll are lucky, IHOP or McDonald’s.
This class perfectly exemplifies the freedom and creative opportunities for education in the Home Schooling environment. During this daily period you kiddos will come with me while I do the running around and shopping. This’ll give ya’ll the chance to intermingle with other people (just don’t keep messin with the Wal-Mart greeter like last year) learn price comparison, devilish marketing strategies like putting impulse purchase goods at the registers, plus you’ll be able to watch how some of the ungodly heathens behave while surrounded by demonic forces, like Britney Spears music and halter-top-clad minorities.

Physical Education
1:05 to 2:00
Location – Outdoors.
You will take Moses for a walk and take your brother to the playground while I attend to my womanly duties and motherly business. In the event of inclement weather you will go play in the game room. Do push ups or jumping jacks or something to get that teenage angst out. No video gaming though. I mean it.

2:05 to 3:00
Location- Kitchen Table.
This hour will be spent learning to appreciate the fine art of tongues.  You kiddos will also get your first practice sessions as well by learning to turn off your brain and loosen your jaw muscle and tongue. You will learn the subtle nuances of how to differentiate between someone who is having a Grand mal seizure and attempting to ask for help, and someone who is expertly speaking the language of the Holy Spirit. How do the masters, like that enthusiastic, red faced woman in first row at church last Sunday, do it? You’ll begin to uncover these mysteries this semester.

Biblical Proof versus Scientific Guesses
3:05 to Dinner Time.
Location- Sitting Room Couch.
We’ll study the inerrant word of God and compare it to the unintelligible gibberish of rebellious, elitist, angry, ugly Darwinian “scientists” and decide whether we want to spend eternity burning in the infinite suffering of Hades or if we’d rather be strolling the golden paved, diamond studded roads of Heavenly Paradise arm in arm with Jesus. We’ll get to make up our own minds.

School’s done, time for church!

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