Salute Our Shorts: The News In Brief

“Boys With Boobs Might Be Just That… Boobs”
by Paul Lander

A study in the “New England Journal of Medicine” found that certain shampoos, soaps and lotions containing lavender and tea tree oils can cause boys to develop breasts.  In a follow up survey to shed light on the affects of Journal of Medicine study the following was reported:

75% of those boys who grew breasts had lower grades – apparently they spent less time studying and more time feeling themselves up.

37% had trouble seeing if their shoelaces were tied or untied.

2% claimed to have won a wet t-shirt contest

22% had told somebody at least once, “you know I have eyes, too!”

27% reported that after getting themselves drunk, they then went to “second base” with themselves.

Scientists warned these finding were based on too small a sample to be considered factual.

“Local Man Oddly Proud of Meaningless Award”
by James Fluty

MINNEAPOLIS– Local Assistant Manager Christopher Krauss couldn’t be more delighted today, much to the astonishment and embarrassment of those close to him.  Krauss, 34, was the recipient of the “Customer Key Award”, an “award” invented and distributed by his employer, GetMart.  The “award,” a letter-sized piece of paper printed with an assortment of congratulations, was unceremoniously handed to Krauss by his senior manager.

“Honestly, I didn’t expect him to care,” stated a bewildered William Fort, the 28 year old manager responsible for “rewarding” Krauss.  “I mean, I give them out a lot and most people just get angry.  It’s not even framed.”

Krauss, who told this reporter that he plans on framing the certificate at his own expense, had a very different outlook on the matter.  “I work a lot and I’m barely making ends meet, so it’s nice that my company found a way to show its appreciation for me.”  Krauss continued, chest puffed out with pride, “It’s something I can show my kids one day.”

A source close to Krauss said, “He just keeps waving it in my face and every time he does it, it just breaks my heart a little more.”

The “Customer Key Award” was given to Krauss for his ability to understand the multitude of acronyms the corporate conglomerate bombards their workers with on a daily basis.  “I can tell you what an “RTS scan” is or what “NH score” means.  Yeah, I pretty much know it all.  Sometimes it’s like my co-workers don’t even think these things are worth knowing.  But I guess that’s why I got a piece of paper and they didn’t,” Krauss added with a self-satisfied smirk.

Asked to comment, GetMart’s spokesman explained “We used to give bonuses or cash rewards, but over time, we began to faze those out for something a little more…personal.”

“They could have given me a check or a Starbucks card, but those things come and go.” Krauss choked back tears as he spoke. “But this certificate… well, I can put this on my wall and remember it always,”  Krauss declared before adding in amazement, “Though, I guess I could always frame a Starbucks card too… shit.”

“Karaoke Killer”
by Steven Shabo

No one is singing these days. The Karaoke clubs are near empty. The club where the incident occurred, Checkered Past, shut its doors a week after the murder. The police report said the victim was found bludgeoned to death a block away from the club with a pair of underwear in his mouth. The report didn’t specify if it was the victim’s own underwear or not. Patrons at the club stated that the man was attending a birthday party and was quite drunk when he finally got up on stage at around one o’ clock in the morning. The bartender remembered that he chose the 80;s hit “Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats, “I don’t understand why someone would kill another person just because they can’t sing. Karaoke is supposed to be about having fun; it’s not like this is American Idol or something.” The party’s waitress reaffirmed that the man was highly intoxicated and reluctantly admitted that he didn’t give a very memorable performance, “He was so drunk he almost fell off the stage a couple of times. I remember him laughing through most of the song. He was pretty bad.”

The dead body was found the next morning by a woman walking her Saint Bernard. A note was thumb tacked to the victim’s forehead that read, You cannot sing, therefore, you must die.