“Prolong This!”
by Kelly Anneken, managing editor
Well, here we are again. And by “we,” I mean “me.” I have to write some bullcrap about adolescence so Isa will give me back my lucky thong. It’s the source of all my power! I just hope I get it back before my webcam date with Charlie Sheen, because my lucky thong is the only way he’ll recognize me!
All right, pinheads. According to the World Health Organization, adolescents are “young people between the ages of ten to nineteen. During this adolescent period, there are numerous developments taking place that include: sexual, emotional, physical, intellectual, and social.” Good for them! My sexual, emotional, physical, intellectual and social development made me the spectacular human being and excellent judge of character I am today. I just hope today’s adolescents are self-medicating to deal with their rapidly changing bodies, otherwise puberty will be an unremittingly bleak journey through hell. But I’ve seen that Teen Mom on MTV, so I assume most of America’s youngsters are just as on the ball as those young procreators and their immediate family.
I am concerned, though. In the course of my thongless research, I came across several “Christian” websites. According to these “Christian” fellows, American youths are now experiencing a “prolonged adolescence,” meaning that they can postpone adult responsibilities like having a job, having a house or having an HIV test until well into their 20s! Those lucky little bastards! I had to start working and getting court-ordered HIV tests at the age of fifteen, but did I hear a single word about “truncated adolescence” in the so-called “news media?” No, I did not, and not simply because I temporarily lost my hearing to a rare ear fungus in 1999!
It seems to me that today’s young citizens have far too much free time on their hands. These “Christians” and their mutual friend “God” all appear to agree with me. However, they seem to think that the solution here is “prayer” and “guiding our young people to salvation.” I call shenanigans!
“Christians,” all we need to do to put a stop to this extended teenagerdom is reinstate child labor. I realize that people are complaining that there aren’t enough jobs as it is, but I think that’s just political spin. If there aren’t enough jobs for the adults and the kids, we’ll just have to create some! There’s a defunct cloth mill just up the road from my apartment- why not reopen and staff it entirely with minors? I hear that these tweens tiny hands fit perfectly in those hard-to-reach places in the gears and whirligigs. Older teens can learn all about management and corporate malfeasance, the better to replace Boomer corporation heads as their generation begins its grim, catheter festooned march to the grave.
On a smaller scale, instead of hiring illegal immigrants to clean our houses, let’s hire illegal immigrants’ children! It’s perfect, especially if they were born on American soil. No more worrying that Uncle Sam is going to ship little Pedro back to Mexico, he’s a legal citizen!
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “But Kelly, kids are adorable, we need to preserve their innocence! Kelly, how could you want to take advantage of America’s future like that? Kelly, you were a better writer when you had your lucky thong!” Look, nobody’s arguing with that last point, let’s just get through this, okay? Oh, and your previous two points? Totally wrong. There’s plenty of ugly, jaded kids just lying around going to waste. And if we don’t take advantage of America’s future now, how else will we be able to convince them to let us just sit on our asses in our old age? This generation needs to be taken in hand and broken, broken like a Vegas whore’s nose!
Speaking of which, I gotta get my lucky thong back, punch Isa in the babymaker, and then see a man about questionable, high-risk sex via the internet. In the afterglow, I’m going to convince him that his daughters should clean out my garage.
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