Salute Our Shorts: The News in Brief

“Ripping the Headlines”
by Paul Lander

Time reading is time wasted, Hobo Pancake Nation. You think you can work on upping that Halo score AND stay informed? Hell, no! Well, me neither. That’s why I like to treat the news like I treat people. Make a snap judgment and move the hell on. So, here are some headlines and my first thoughts:

‘Feds Loosen Up on Weed’
Hey, doesn’t everyone

‘Enraged Musician Kills Band Mates Before Shooting Self, Sources Say’
People everywhere were saddened by the news… that is wasn’t Nickleback

‘Pill made from human poop can cure serious gut infections, doctors say’
Yeah, but they leave a really shitty taste in your mouth

‘Swedish swimmers warned over testicle-biting Pacu fish’
Wow, a fish that likes Swedish meatballs….

‘Senate: No Health Benefits For Senators Who Hire Prostitutes’
You’d think there’d be professional courtesy among whores

‘Police Arrest 2 Firefighters and 19 Others for Singing Without Permit’
See what happens when a Village People audition gets out of hand

‘Meth lab discovered at Louisville International Airport’
It was known as the Frequent Fryers Club

‘Medals to mark the first year of Pope Francis’ pontificate, had “Jesus” misspelled “Lesus.”’
Recipients were seen Lumping for Loy

‘Justin Bieber seen leaving Brazilian brothel’
No word yet if he completed the job application…


“List of potential shows for CNN after using Dick Cheney to discuss Middle East peace”
by Paul Lander

Tax Tips with Wesley Snipes
Baby Sitting with Casey Anthony
Dating Dos and Don’ts with Jody Arias
Can’t We All Just Get Along with George Zimmerman
Preparing that perfect Kwanzaa Feast with Paula Deen

4 thoughts on “Salute Our Shorts: The News in Brief”

  1. Paul is one of my Fave’s and I have over 900 comedian friends…on Facebook, but still!
    He is always hilarious!

  2. I’m with Rick Peregoy, I have also have about 900 comedian friends, and Paul is the one who cracks me up the most – and is also the most proliferate. I like this, “Make a snap judgment and move the hell on.” Thanks for sharing, Paul!

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