No, YOU’RE Fucked Up!

“’Meddling Kids’ Mar Ebola Rock Jubilee”

by Colleen Wilson


Ebola Rock, NY— Authorities believe the Mystery Inc. gang has struck again, this time putting an Ebola Rock man in the hospital on the eve of the town’s Jubilee. William Bates, 57, sustained serious injuries after allegedly confronting Mystery Inc. in Ebola Rock, New York’s historic Arsenic Mansion on Friday. The mansion has been vacant since the death of its owner, Dr. Jethro Kidneystone, in early September. Rumors of a treasure hidden within Arsenic Mansion’s extensive underground tunnel system have fueled a number of break-ins since Kidneystone’s death. Additionally, local legends of ghostly apparitions in the attic windows have  attracted more intruders. Bates, Kidneystone’s great-nephew and sole living relative, has made numerous public statements in recent weeks, pleading for privacy as he settles the estate.


Bates, star of the one-man clown act ‘Honker the Clown’s Barrel of Laughs,’ was driving home around 10 p.m. after performing at the Ebola Days Children’s Carnival. Remembering the recent burglaries, Bates decided to take a detour past Arsenic Mansion to make sure all was well. Upon arriving at the mansion, Bates noticed that the front door was open. Still wearing his clown make-up and costume, Bates left the car to investigate.


Noises immediately led him to the kitchen. From his hospital bed, Bates recalls, “I see that kid and his mangy dog tearing apart the old refrigerator, yammering some nonsense about finding a sandwich to calm their nerves. Lord knew if they had a gun, so I grabbed a butcher knife off the counter and yelled, ‘Leave this place!’ And that…” Bates’ eyes fill with tears, “that’s when the chase began.”


Bates’ next recollection paints a chaotic picture: “They took off upstairs faster than anything I ever seen. It was all I could do to keep up; I had to kick off my [oversized clown shoes]. The creeps jumped into the broom closet at the front of the hall and come running out the bathroom at the end of the hall — those rooms aren’t even connected. I almost had ‘em when they tried to hide in Uncle Jeth’s antique suit of armor, but they pulled the carpet out from under me and I went flying. That’s how I sprained my wrist.”


His wrist sprained and his costume ruined beyond repair, Bates continued to search for the intruders. He later spotted them again in the underground tunnel system, but the encounter proved ill-fated. The gang-members allegedly lured Bates into what appears to have been an elaborate booby-trap constructed from bicycle chains, an old diving board, and ping-pong balls, held together by chewing gum. Bates became entangled in the chains and struck his head on the diving board. The gang allegedly removed Bates’ make-up and wig before fleeing at the sound of police sirens. Passing motorists had called police after noticing Bates’ car in the mansion’s driveway and hearing sounds of commotion inside.


Bates sustained a sprained wrist, two broken ribs, a fractured collarbone, a dislocated shoulder, and a minor concussion. He remains in stable condition at Saint Aloysius hospital.


Ebola Rock Police Chief Rob Banks calls for the gang’s immediate apprehension. He said at Tuesday’s press-conference, “Ebola Rock just wanted to have a patriotic, safe Ebola Jubilee weekend— and we would’ve had one too, if it wasn’t for those meddling kids and that dog!”


Mystery Inc. has made headlines in recent weeks as suspects in a string of trespasses and break-ins to allegedly haunted locations. In the past, the gang has assisted police in solving crime, but the gang’s reckless contamination of evidence and occasional demolition of the crime scene has resulted in acquittals for nearly all the accused.


Police urge the public to call 911 right away with any information. The gang is thought to consist of two young men, two young women, and a large Great Dane. They drive a van decorated with blue and green psychedelic shapes, reading ‘Mystery Machine’ on the side. The gang is considered armed and dangerous.


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