“Tis a Rift to be Simple”
by Kelly Anneken, managing editor
You people, again? Don’t you have anything better to do than reading an online absurdist humor journal and laughing and emailing and Tweetering your friends also to read, laugh and email? Isa keeps telling me you don’t, but you’re like the Occupy Movement — all sizzle and no one I want to sleep with!
Anyway, I write to you from St. Dymphna Home for the Sexually Insane —
What the fuck? Some dudes just totally snatched my laptop at St. Dymphna’s, and it turned out it had a PowerPoint presentation some dumb priest sent me on it, full of gay porn! Who watches gay porn anymore?! Why is the Catholic Church 30 years behind the rest of the religions? Everyone’s moved onto Chat Roulette and YouPorn to get their terrifying sexual fantasies fulfilled! Get with the times, or let the nuns take over. Nuns are awesome! They just act like Jesus and no one gets molested!
Wait, where was I?
Oh, right. I’ve been shipped off to the only still-functioning Shaker settlement in North America. You can read all about it on the Wikipedia article I just wrote, because when I got here, the three remaining Shakers told me to “hop on the Interwebs, English, and tell the world how much we Shakers love to shake!” Which is pretty pointless, since it’s pretty obvious these people don’t like to shake, considering they’ve given sex up and all.
Due to budget cuts that have outlawed the sexually insane from living in assisted care facilities where patients can take part in therapeutic menage a trios, those of us whose life choices the courts have refused to sign off on are trundled off to one sex-negative cult or another. They’ve recognized that the so-called “Manson Experiment” didn’t work out as they’d hoped, and moved on from there.
I am here to tell you that they broke the dildo mold when they came up with Shakers. These nutjobs decided that the Lord was speaking through a woman — woman, mind you — named Mother Ann Lee, who was supposed to be the bride of Christ or something? I don’t know, I wasn’t invited to the bridal shower. And God told Mother Ann Lee that Shakers should just not have sex and run around speaking in tongues, which just sounds like a euphemism for oral sex, to me, so really, God was just telling them to put on the brakes after oral sex, even though in the Old Testament he said “Go forth and multiply,” which, confusing, God! Tell those Duggars to slow down, or there won’t be enough 16 year-old albino virgins left to marry them when they arrive at sexual maturity. Free Jinger!
Anyway, that’s what I’ve been telling Sister June, Brother Arnold, and Sister Frances, so I can go hook up with this guy in New Glouscester and still serve my time for my criminal sexuality. My lawyer has instructed me not to reveal any details of my defense, but let’s just say we’re calling Fiona Apple as a character witness. But they’re not willing to budge, which is really bumming my stone. Oh, surprised? The Shakers totally believe in toking up, they’ve kept abreast with modern technology like computers and Air Jordans. Hence my “community service” is telling the world about this defunct religion, that refuses to die, JUST LIKE [name redacted for legal reasons]!!!!!!!!
But religion is powerful. These goobers think they’re going to a special heaven because of their whacked-out opposition to a quick BJ in the Dead River Convenience Store parking lot. Whatever. I once smoked peyote with Owen Wilson, or maybe I just watched Zoolander with my mom, which is pretty much the same thing, even though thank God my mom fell asleep during the orgy scene, because I think everything within a 17 mile radius would have exploded from awkwardness, which, see, I do believe in God, Shakers!
Seriously! If I couldn’t thank God, then there wouldn’t be anyone to thank, and I just can’t live in a world where there’s nothing to thank, because that’s impolite! So fuck you, Shakers, and let me go to stupid New Gloucester, because the only thing I want more than sex right now is to rob a store and [content redacted for legal reasons].