The Astral Plane

“Obits From the Future”

by Mrs. Sowerberry

October 11, 2019

AUSTIN, TX — Ex-Texas governor and Distinguished Eagle Scout James Richard “Rick” Perry was executed by lethal injection last Thursday.  He was 69 years old.

A fifth-generation Texas native, Perry was the son of ranchers Joseph Ray Perry and Amelia June Perry (nee Holt).  Before rising to the rank of captain in the US Air Force, Perry graduated from Texas A & M University with a degree in animal science.  He later put his degree to use, farming cotton with his father, operating under the unusual notion that “cotton’s some sort of animal, right?”

Perry entered the political sphere as a Democrat, elected to the Lone Star State’s House of Representatives in 1984, but was forced out of the party by Al Gore in 1988.  The Tennessee Senator blamed Perry for the failure of his presidential campaign for reasons that remain unclear, but sources close to Perry suggest his insistence on calling Gore’s African-American chief of staff “Niggerhead” played a role in Perry’s dismissal.  Undaunted, Perry later defeated Democrat Jim Hightower in a close race for Texas Agriculture Commissioner.

After two terms as Agriculture Commissioner, Perry declined to pursue the office again, instead campaigning for Lieutenant Governor.  Winning once again by a narrow margin, Perry assumed office in January 1999.  Despite an ugly falling out with Karl “Turd Blossom” Rove, Perry ascended to the office of Governor when George W. “President-Elect” Bush resigned in 2000.  Elected to four full gubernatorial terms in his own right, Perry held the record for longest continuously serving current US governor until leaving office in 2015 to serve as President Sarah Palin’s Secretary of Agriculture, a post he held until his arrest for murder in February 2016.

Perry was arrested under suspicion of one count of armed robbery and two counts of second degree murder following a convenience store stickup near his family’s estate in West Austin.  Perry vociferously maintained his innocence, claiming to have been in Washington, DC, at the time of the murders.  Although surviving witnesses allowed that the man they identified as Rick Perry may have been a different man wearing a rubber mask of Perry’s face, prosecutors built a strong case, arguing that Perry’s Air Force training enabled him to fly to Texas, rob the convenience store and then fly back to Washington, where he was apprehended by police.  Jurors convicted Perry on all counts and Precinct 4 judge Raul Arturo Gonzalez sentenced the former politico to death.

Perry and his family remained hopeful throughout the appeals process, though the specter of Perry’s execution loomed large after the state’s so-called “Fry ‘Em Faster” constitutional amendment was signed into law by his successor, Texas Governor David Dewhurst.  This amendment allows no more than four years to pass between a prisoner’s death sentence and execution, thus saving the state of Texas a considerable sum of money that would otherwise go to court fees and defraying incarceration costs during appeals that could sometimes drag on for a decade or more.

Perry’s final appeal was denied earlier this year, after his defending counsel soiled himself no less than three times during the opening statement alone.  Perry spent his last months writing a memoir entitled “From Cotton Herder to Butt Buddy; Or How I Learned to Stop Farming and Love Fellatio” and constantly changing his relationship status on Facebook.

On October 3, Perry was executed at the Texas State Penitentiary at Huntsville in front of numerous witnesses, while an anti-death penalty candlelight vigil took place outside.  Just before midnight, Perry made his final statement: “I am innocent.  I never robbed that store, I never killed those people.  I have no wish to die.  But the great state of Texas has a long history of executing innocent men, and I am proud to carry on that tradition here today.  May the Lord have mercy on my soul.  I’m ready, Warden.”

Perry is survived by his wife, Anita Thigpen and their two children, Griffin and Sydney.  In lieu of flowers, donations may be sent to The Boy Scouts of America National Council.