Screams & Grumbles


401(k) Plan Investment Changes

by Scott Erickson

 

From: HRBenefits

Sent: 8:59 AM

To: allemployees

Subject: 401(k) Plan Investment Changes

 

Attention all participants in the GluTron 401(k) plan

 

GluTron is making changes to the investment options available in the company’s 401(k) plan. Our intent is to ensure that the investments continue to reflect current economic realities and provide the best possible investment options to what is left of our employees.

 

We want to reassure employees who have expressed concern over the recent total economic collapse, and recommend that you DON’T PANIC. The national economy is stable* and GluTron is financially secure.**

*dead

**in the sense of having no finances to secure

 

GluTron is doing everything in its power to cover your assets. We feel confident there is light at the end of the tunnel and, contrary to rumors, it is not the headlight of an oncoming locomotive.

 

Our intent is to ensure up-to-date investment options to whatever 401(k) participants have not yet transferred their assets from the company’s plan into a burlap sack full of cash stashed in a big mason jar under some loose floorboards in the kitchen. We hope to continue the plan in a manner consistent with whatever investment options remain viable at this point, or remain at all, in the best interests of plan participants who haven’t given up.

 

Through due diligence, investment options are periodically reviewed by both GluTron and the trustees of our plan who have yet to skip the country. Our intent is to identify potential problems with current investment options, such those options going belly-up, as well as to take advantage of new investment options carefully chosen to provide the best long-term investment return, keeping in mind that “best” and “long-term” and “investment return” are relative terms.

 

Effective the first day of the next financial quarter, if we make it that far, we will make adjustments to the available investment options as follows.

 

We will be removing the following investment options:

· SuperDuper HiGrowth BlueChip NoDip

· Yowza UltraGrow MoneyMoneyMoney

· UzitOrLuzit Intl Deluxe GetRich

· ProfitGalore Ultra Super BigMoney

· every other investment option

 

To more accurately reflect the current economic situation, we are now adding the following investment options:

· Sacks of dried beans

· Bags of flour

· Canned goods

· Jugs of grain alcohol

· Livestock

 

What remains of our plan participants have the option of designating the transfer of assets to the new investment options. If notification has not been received by 5:00 PM on the last day of the current financial quarter, the fund managers will automatically make the transfer based on their professional discretion.***

***this includes the option of the fund managers just keeping it

 

Please review your investments in the 401(k) plan in light of these changes. We recommend that you take a moment to review what is left of your assets, unless you’re easily depressed.

 

If after reviewing this message you still have questions, we’re not surprised. Keep in mind that things could be worse. If you are reading this message, it means the cannibals have not yet gotten to you.

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