Department of Mysteries

“The Definition of Love”
by Shannon Mackey


Love n.
A deep and tender feeling of affection for or attachment/devotion to a person.

Every girl wants to be in love.  It’s as if at birth the XX chromosome programs ladies to wait for “the one,” consciously or not.
As children they have pretend weddings.  Teens scribble the name of their crushes on every piece of paper they can get their little painted fingernails on.  College girls think they are going to marry any guy they sleep with more than three times.  Women believe that every girl in every city has someone out there waiting to meet them. When it comes to men, girls believe they are not all created equal. They all don’t like football.  They all don’t eat pizza and drink beer.  They all don’t look at the curvier parts of the bodies of ladies passing-by.  Although most girls haven’t come in contact with any of these “different” men, surely they exist.  Every girl believes that there is at least one out there that will live up to her expectations; one who will like all her quirky habits; one who will appreciate her as an individual.  As time passes men prove her wrong over and over again, and she realizes that there is only one different man out there.  He is forever known as “the one.”

Deep adj.
Extremely grave or serious, carefully guarded, intense, dark and rich.

In search for the one, ladies date man after man.  They get into relationships that eventually fail.  The older women get the more times their hearts are shattered and taped back together.  They use heartache to rationalize a new relationship; “If that didn’t work, this might.”  Deep down women seriously believe men are chivalrous.  They all believe knights in shining armor are going to ride up on white horses to rescue them.  Then like a dream he magically appears on his metallic blue bike with pegs, instead of a horse.  He rescues her from her stressful day with a beer to numb her mind.  It isn’t quite the
fantasy she dreamt of, but she’s rational and knows life isn’t like a dream.  Then he turns out to be a little less ideal than she hoped. The girl finally realizes that the only thing he saved was her diminishing sex drive and her drinking bucks.  She cries, knowing that she just wasted six months on someone named Bob, who works at the local pizza joint.  She tapes up another portion of her heart.

Tender adj.
Soft and delicate, requires careful handling.

Women need to realize there isn’t enough time to invest in fairytale dreams or big screen romances.  The sooner they come to
terms with this, the better.  Think about it with a rational mind!

Feeling n.
An awareness, consciousness, sensation.

If a man’s heart gets broken, is he really going to fly thousands of miles across the country, parachute out of a plane, run through the desert without any water, dodging those scorpions and wild critters, just to throw his arms around the girl that caused him misery and forgive her, and beg her to spend the rest of her life with him?  Of course not!  He is going to the local bar to do shots, one for everything that she ever said or did that upset him, leaving with a temporary replacement.  Meanwhile, the girl soaks her pillow with tears, rubbing her pretty little eyes raw.  She obsessively thinks about every little thing that was said and done wrong.  Things will be miserable for a very, very long time.  Those are the joys of love.

Affection n.
A mental or emotional tendency, disposition, or feeling

No matter how many times women get hurt they don’t want to give up on love.  Every failed relationship is justified.  Soon their hearts are completely masked with tape.  Heartbroken girls sit and think about their last loves.  They believe they just lost “the one.”   They wonder how he is and what he is doing.  Cinderella dances with her prince in their minds; making them realize he was Mr. Right.  Does that mean they are soul mates?  Goodness NO!  It means that women are obsessive, semi-psychotic romantics too afraid to move on.  They have too much tape distracting them; and they fear life without a man.  Love is a waste of thought.

Love n.
An intense devotion to a person that is rich, serious and carefully guarded

Ladies, save your sanity, dignity, and self!  Forget about love!  Live for lust!

Love n.
An extremely grave and dark emotional tendency.

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