Salute Our Shorts: The News In Brief

Pope Mobile Traded In For A Prius
by Paul Lander

The Vatican announced that it will be trading in the Pope Mobile for a Prius.  The Pontiff issued a statement saying, “If Jesus were alive today he’d drive a Hybrid.  Pope Benedict added that Jesus wouldn’t be turning water into wine but Petroleum into a clean burning, reusable substance.  He also bragged that he got twenty percent off the sticker price.  The Pope then took a moment to reassure “[my] Jewish friends that nothing should be read into a German Pope, in a Japanese Car, driving around Italy.”

Paul Lander is a partner in the website iJoke.com.

Should the Baby Poison Industry be Regulated?
by Asterios Kokkinos

As anyone who reads the New York Times or the Wall Street Journal can tell you, baby poison is a 900 billion dollar a year industry. Comprising an entire sixth of our economy, the baby poison industry employs millions of people, has a philanthropic outreach unmatched by any other sector, and helps poor & rich alike achieve their dreams.

And now, Obama wants to ruin it.

Fringe leftists claim that baby poison is responsible for the poisoning of babies, without any universally accepted scientific evidence. They ignore the obvious facts: baby poison makes our lives better. It makes our cars go, makes cigarettes taste great, and is what separates a “nugget” from a “McNugget”. If a few babies should happen to die in the general vicinity of products containing baby poison, isn’t that worth it?

If we let these government bureaucrats stick their noses where they don’t belong, we’re going to have a catastrophe on our hands that may well put children’s lives at risk. Can you name one thing the US Government’s done to make anybody’s lives better? I sure can’t. Every time “big government” gets involved in something, they ruin it, from water pollution monitoring to the distribution of social security (a.k.a. “socialist scare-curity”).

We must protect the baby poison industry.  Without it, millions of Americans would lose their jobs.  A couple of teeny, tiny coffins is a small price to pay for people not having to find jobs outside the baby poison industry (or worse, having those jobs go to China, whose baby poison production is notoriously unsafe).

Asterios Kokkinos makes his Internet home at http://www.presidentbaby.com.