Articles of Faith

“Religious Boys”
by Hannah Reich

The love of the unattainable is well documented in many pieces of art/literature/cinema/tv/website/blogosphere/tweets/facebook, everyone is well acquainted with the teacher crush, the movie star obsession or the brooding emotionally unavailable average adolescent boy. However, being of the Jew community variety that I am, I have noticed a more recent unattainable craze sweeping up the good chosen people of my community;

The religious boy crush

These “hot kippah* boys” drive the secular girls wild. Their torah** loving milkshake brings all the heathen girls to the yard. These boys, so seemingly virtuous and incorruptible are the ultimate unattainable object that every girl needs in her collection.  Many a secular girl has lusted after and pursued these boys, with little to moderate success. In modern society, where secularism is the status quo, these religious fanatics are the new rebels without a cause.

Wooing religious boys demands creativity beyond the basic pick-up line. A secular Jewish friend of mine got the number of a hot religo boy by informing him that she knows a girl who makes kippot, so you know… She could hook him up with one (and in the process hook in! booyah!). So ladies, get creative, talk about his local congregation, or maybe the great sermon delivered by Rabbi Yosef, and then shake them titties and you’ll be set.

Another tip about seducing hot religious boys : don’t tell them the secret. Don’t make the mistake of admitting;
“I’ve always fantasized about corrupting a religious boy.”

Though this type of forwardness can initially tantalize them, it is never, I mean NEVER, a good idea to start even a minor dalliance by admitting this sort of awkward, kinky, thing. It sets up an awkward kinky undertone for all your future interactions.  Advertising this fantasy is just not the greatest idea- we all know they want to be corrupted but they also don’t want to admit it. And it paints you as the secular slut that you possibly are. And it all seems eerily and biblically familiar … like you’re Eve offering the tempting apple of sexy times and well Adam fucked it up like a bazillion years ago
(you know in biblical times) and they will surely resist it this time. Suddenly you’re a satanic character whose main aim is to destroy their faith and seize their virginity along the way. So yes, keep it on the down-low, perhaps even encourage their wayward ways. Perhaps you should try;

“Oh man, Moses sure was da bomb. He sure did exist. And that god guy, I LOVE him. He exists too. Oh cool, you’re praying now, I totally believe in that and think it’s a really cool pastime. Oh you keep the sabbath, I would never get in the way of that, I totally respect that. NO BACON? OMG THATS CRAZY. But all right. I understand. Anyway I’m so into your beliefs and not corrupting them … amirite?”

And then slowly take your clothes off.

* = Skullcap in anglosaxon ** = ye olde testament.

“Genesis Too”
by John McFarland

First off, the version that has gone around as gospel did not come from Me. As You know, I was there alone, only I know how it really began. And I’m here to talk about that, and only that.

Since You’ve got to start somewhere, I chose light. No big deal. Now it’s a joke: Let there be light! So what! Let me tell you, it wasn’t that easy. Remember, this was way before the Boy Scouts of America. Nobody knew, including Me. There I was, alone in the dark. And I mean dark like You have no idea.

So! I managed to bring in some light. It took time, and it was tricky. I tried to explain it simply to Them, but I guess even that version was too complicated to let out. Maybe They were thinking the audience wouldn’t get it. My approach has always been to give Them as much rope as They need. Go ahead, ask any of Them if that isn’t the case.  See what They’ve done with it. Look at what They’ve written in just this one book.

Anyway, trust Me, it was tougher than They made it sound. And once I had light, I wanted other things. You know how it is. You get greedy, nothing’s ever enough, and then all of a sudden, there’s not enough room. Anywhere.

Hence, Space. That’s why I came up with that idea. Plus, out in Space You can hide a lot of devils. Cast-off angels, excuse me. They move around. They can try to outrun shame. I gave up on making Anybody sign leases. Damage deposits, forget it. I’m not a landlord, I’m God!

Everyone keeps trying to pin Me down about the Days. Day Two. Day Five. The details seem to mean so much to Them. Or are They trying to catch Me in some big cosmic lie? In case, you know, I only claimed to be working on a project on a certain day, but was really at the beach. Look, there was no beach. There was nothing. It was chaos.  Nobody was keeping score. There were no bean counters, just the Creator.

Details really do nothing for Me. What do They think I am, a Virgo? I’ve never concerned Myself with the Day-to-Day stuff. That’s why I made physics the law. I’m busy, there are plenty of big things to worry about, I don’t have time for fine-tuning. I have to trust Others to act for Me on that score. My advice is: Be a scary Boss, and They’ll do it for You. Or else. A good threat makes a good worker. Remember, I can send Them off into Space with the roving band of devils, excuse me, cast-out angels, as Their only neighbors.

One fine point that does get My lamb: the counting in this Book is so bad. Take the life-spans, for example. Now, I know everyone lies about age, but are We supposed to believe these inflated claims? 930? Come on! I make good skin, but I don’t think so.  Consider what happens to your skin between the time You’re 18 and 35. Now extrapolate and roll in the effect of the brutal sun of the Middle East. Now picture Your skin when You’re 930.

After this kind of story, why should We believe anything They tell Us? And how about all that begat, begat, begat business? Are these people bunnies? Whoa’s tending the crops while all this is going on? Credibility has always been important, and none of this is credible, at least not to Me.

They say I know everything. Well, I know a lot. I also know Lot. But then Word gets out and Peter, Paul or Mary wants to know about the future. I established a strict policy on that way, way back. I don’t discuss the future. That’s why there are Prophets.

Of course, Prophets are not perfect either. Even the best ones can disappoint You.  After all, They’re only Prophets, not Saints. Take the Commandments, for starters. I distinctly remember six. So, where’d He come up with the other four? My theory is heatstroke. And now We’re saddled with all ten of them. But that’s a whole other Book.

And, on that note, this as good a place as any for Me to make My exodus.

Until next time, obey any six Commandments of Your choice! Or else: Space!