Mad Madame Xenia’s Hometruth Horoscopes

Once a month, our very own Mad Madame Xenia looks deep into the future and tells you sad sacks what’s what.  Just like that lady on TV with the fake Jamaican accent, but with more bitterness and gin.


October 23-November 22

It’s All About You
Dear Scorpio:
I’ve been watching you, trying to figure things out. I like to guess what’s going on behind those deep, dark, dead eyes of yours. Jealousy, yes. Animosity, oh yah. Lust? Well, what do you think brings me here?
You always take it a little HBO- but with fewer partners and way more drama. No profile on fiery Scorpio is complete without an in-depth analysis of sex, so I took a look at the sex you’ve been having, and well, I’m afraid I can’t share my findings. This is a family magazine.

It’s not?

Well, I’m afraid I must insist on silence, except to clarify that “safe sex” means condoms, not seatbelts, not tasers. Please make a note. In the meantime, Madame recommends Cefixime 400 mg.

It’s in the Stars

Sex in a confessional is something you’ll need to confess. Stick around.
Make a date with the health department, and keep it.
Gemini wants to know what you’re doing later.

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