Mad Madame Xenia’s Hometruth Horoscopes

Once a month, our very own Mad Madame Xenia looks deep into the future and tells you sad sacks what’s what.  Just like that lady on TV with the fake Jamaican accent, but with more bitterness and gin.


September 23 – October 22


It’s All About You:


My precious alcoholic! How are you? Wait, don’t answer that.


I already know.


You’re tired, overwrought, distressed. How to keep things in balance? You don’t know; you never have! You get by on hot press and cool zodiacal icons. Well let me tell you, my hard-partying friend, no one ever discovered peace of mind while prospecting in a toilet. It’s time to look elsewhere.


Look within.


And then look without because all you found there was a mass of neurosis, six undigested pretzels and three strands of blond hair. And you – a brunette. Shame.


But in that seventh circle of hell known as your psyche, you spied the narcissism that makes you both the life of the party and the call that goes to voice mail. Heed the primal screaming of your inner Me-Beast – something’s got to give, Libra.


It’s in the Stars:


I knew you wouldn’t know what, so I made a list.


Some Things That You Have Got to Give

  1. Money – to your Landlord (You spent the rent . . . again.)
  2. Attention – to anyone else.
  3. Silence –  to the world at large.


Balance, though. Remember?


Some Things That You Have Got to Take

  1. My Advice – Who knows you better, Libra?
  2. Heed – and listen to my advice.
  3. A Break – do you realize what you just said?


Sweet Hermes, you are exhausting. Now shut the hell up so I can get some sleep.

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