Infallible advice from the Vatican’s very own love doctor!
Dear Pope,
My wrestling buddy Doo-Rag saw an ad for this movie where somebody films his friend losing his virginity. Now he wants to film ME losing my virginity! Don’t get me wrong, Your Holiness, I want to do porn some day — maybe when I get to college I can destroy some sluts on Redtube — but I just think getting my career started with my very first time might be a little… premature, if you know what I mean. Like, dude, I might not last all that long, you know? I don’t want to be embarrassed or crap!
Help!
Sincerely,
FreshMeat14@hotmail.com
Dear FreshMeat14,
Your virginity is a sacred contract between you and the Lord. In giving it away on your wedding night, no one else should be present except you, your wife, and God. Christ is the only audience you will ever need for your love-making. Keep this in your heart, and you can evade the temptations of modern society. Do not let Hollywood trash lead you astray; its rewards are fleeting, while the tender embrace of the Almighty Father lasts forever.
Although I am not familiar with “Redtube”, I can only imagine it to be the Satanic twin of the YouTube. Much as we all love videos of cats playing piano, we must be on guard against the potential for sin offered to us by Internet video. The best way to “destroy” a sexually promiscuous young lady is not with pornography, but with the message of the Gospels. Perhaps you should encourage your friend Doo-Rag to read the words of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John before he picks up his camera again.
Yours in the Eucharist,
His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, formerly Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, Defender of the Roman Faith
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