Dear Hobo Pancakes,
Thank you for agreeing to run some of my James’ work on your website! It might be a little difficult for me to get some of his recent work to you–his literary agent found out about our arrangement and was not happy about it at all. She says it undermines the “seriousness and rarity” of her client, but I told that flashy young barracuda that I’ve known about her client’s seriousness and rarity since he was in diapers, so there. I am getting one of my granddaughters to teach me how to “hack” into James’ “computer” so I can give you some up-to-the-minute drafts. I’m also paying James’ cleaning lady to pull some of his stuff out of the trashcan. Until then, enjoy this story, which James wrote for me when he was just a little dumpling in first grade.
Gumdrop hugs and gingerbread kisses,
By James “The Karate Kid” Franco
When I go to the bathroom today, I know it will be trouble because Arnie is in there. Arnie is a big fat kid who no one likes, especially me, because one day I brought my Matchbox cars to show and tell and he stepped on my favorite one. He said there was a big bug in the driver’s seat, but I knew there wasn’t and he just stepped on it because he is a doodyhead.
I want to not stand next to Arnie while I went potty. It’s funny that my mommy calls it going potty, because for boys, boys do not use the potty except for number two. But mommy calls it that, so I call it that too. My mommy is nice. She makes me peanut butter and banana sandwiches and takes me to see the Karate Kid, that is a good movie.
But I have to stand next to Arnie. I have to because Paul is at the other one and there is only one other place to potty in our bathroom at school and oops, it is right next to Arnie, even though I don’t like him. So I stand next to Arnie and I unzip my pee-pee and Arnie looks right at it like my Daddy said never to do because that is for fagits. I don’t know what fagits is but Daddy says they are bad. But Arnie does and so I guess he is fagits.
I am so nervous. I don’t like Arnie looking at my pee-pee. Arnie says, “Hey, Jimmy, what’s wrong with your pee-pee?” And I say, “Nothing except it is nervous that you are looking at it.” Then Arnie says, “I don’t like you.” And I don’t say anything because I am thinking about Karate Kid and my eyes are closed. And then Arnie is leaving and he is not washing his hands and when he is gone, my pee-pee starts to work.