Obits From the Future

Tennis Ace Andy Roddick Murdered At 35

By Ms. Sowerberry

October 14, 2017

AUSTIN, TX- On October 1, Andy Roddick, celebrated American tennis champion and former world number one, was murdered at Austin’s Alamo Drafthouse Cinema.He was 35 years old.

Early suspicion for the murder fell on longtime Roddick rival Roger Federer.Last year, after a lifetime of losing to Federer, Roddick trounced the waning Swiss powerhouse in all four Association of Tennis Professionals’ Grand Slam Tournaments.  At a press conference following his win at the US Open, Roddick grinned and announced, “I guess it was finally my turn, you know?  Federer’s been slipping up, getting old.  Plus, he bangs a fat chick.  I mean, dude, you’re a pro tennis star- have some self-respect, am I right?”  Roddick went on to exchange high-fives with several reporters from Sports Illustrated magazine and international athletics cartel ESPN before aggressively making out with his wife, SI model Brooklyn Decker.

In response, Federer merely shrugged off Roddick’s criticism.  “Andy is a terrific player, but tennis isn’t only a physical test- it’s also a psychological game.  I think he probably could have beaten me more often when I was at my peak, maybe maintained his rank at number one much longer if I hadn’t started dating Mirka [Vavrinek, Federer’s wife and public relations manager] when I did. I knew that Andy would be a threat to my domination on court; I also knew that he would be distracted by the thought of me copulating with someone he deemed unworthy.”

According to lead detective Marshall Delancey, Federer was removed from the suspects list after his alibi (“banging my fat wife”) checked out.

Prior to his retirement this year, Roddick had aggressively antagonized a number of ATP umpires, but interviews with numerous on-court officials produced no leads.

“It was a tough case to crack,” admits Delancey. “We were pretty frustrated after that first week.  You’ve got a tennis sensation getting killed in a public place, at a screening of Swingles 2: The Swingling.Who even goes to see Zach Braff movies anymore?  Looking at similar crimes was of little help to Delancey and his investigative team.  “This isn’t a Monica Seles situation.  Number one, Roddick’s a guy, so he’s never going to play Steffi Graf.  Number two, Roddick’s retired, so he’s not playing anyone, period.  He’s got no history of infidelity, no violent enemies, so at first glance, it seems like a random crank job.”

Delancey finally got a break in the case when another former tennis great was picked up for writing fraudulent checks at a local auto dealership.  Roscoe”The Rocket” Tanner, winner of 1977’s Australian Open, had been bouncing in and out of jail since his initial refusal to pay child support to one of his many ex-wives in 1997.  On the lam since 2010 with arrears upwards of $3 million, Tanner quickly confessed to Roddick’s murder.  “He thought it would be like his other offenses- admit what he’d done, post bail and disappear again,” said Delancey.  “Boy, was he upset when the judge refused to grant bail.”  Tanner cited “revenge” as his motive- Roddick surpassed Tanner’s record for the ATP’s fastest serve in 2004.  Evidently, Tanner was under the impression that once Roddick was dead, the ATP would restore the “fastest serve” title to “the Rocket.”  ATP spokesperson Lila Perkins confirms this as “the stupidest thing we’ve ever heard.”

Tanner has been remanded to Travis State Jail to await trial.His apprehension is a welcome boon for the lawmen who have attempted to track him down, but cold comfort for Roddick’s widow.  In a statement to the press following the murder, a tearful Brooklyn Decker promised to maintain her figure as a living legacy to her late husband.

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