I have a crush on this girl. And I thought she had a crush on me. I mean, we’re friends — pretty close. I even taught her how to fix motorcycles, and she was, like, into it. Girls only get into fixing motorcycles because they’re trying to impress a guy, right? Unless they’re gay. But I’m pretty sure she’s not gay.
The problem, Father, is that she likes somebody else, and this guy sucks. I mean, he’s super-pasty and apparently he, like, glows or sparkles or something in the sunshine, he’s so white. He’s skinny and totally weird. Plus, I’m pretty sure he wears eyeliner. Oh, and he’s a “vegetarian.” WTF is that about? Also, his hair is poufy. He looks like an idiot. He is an idiot. And my hot chick friend — let’s call her Stella — she likes this idiot! Why, God, why??
OK, I know you’re not actually God, just his phone line to humanity, but hopefully you can still help me out. I don’t know why a girl wouldn’t like me. I’m athletic. I’m young. I’m ambiguously ethnic, but in a non-threatening way. Old ladies stare at my abs every time I take my shirt off, and sometimes they just come up and start licking me. It’s kinda weird when it happens in school and at the library and stuff, but I will not be constrained by a shirt, you know what I mean? The point is, I am super hot. And I can fix motorcycles! I’m still a virgin, but I’m pretty sure that dudes who can fix motorcycles are stallions in the sack. Dudes who sparkle? Not so much. Right?
Seriously, Pope, this is some bullshit.
My dear young J.,
The minds of women are simple and fickle things. I believe it comes from lactation — the expenditure of so much cellular energy devoted to the nurturing of youth leaves little else for intellectual or spiritual pursuits. That’s why we don’t let them be priests… duh.
But I suggest you leave behind your earthly thoughts and desires altogether. Celibacy is the greatest expression of love for Christ that exists in this world. Before considering the priesthood, perhaps you might join us in the One True Faith as an altar boy. If your abdominal muscles are truly as majestic as described, I know many men of the cloth who would love to have you operating in their sacristy.
Regardless of your ultimate decision, just remember that using a condom is a mortal sin. Gonorrhea might sting for a lifetime, but hellfire burns for eternity.
Yours in the Eucharist,
His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, formerly Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, Defender of the Roman Faith