Screams & Grumbles

“Who’s In the Yoga Class?”

by Charlie Keys Bohem

Noah is sleeping with five divorcees, Laura, Laurie, Karen, Michelle, and Liora. Three of the women own pugs. The woman who does yoga has twice as many pugs as the other women who own them. Laura and Liora drink rose. Liora is allergic to animals. Karen’s rigorous Pilates schedule does not permit other forms of exercise. Michelle drinks Bacardi. Laurie prefers Merlot. Karen has been clean for the last two years. Neither of the women who drink rose has more than one pug. Michelle’s cat has been implicated in the falling death of at least one dog – it is not allowed near them. Of the women who drink rose, neither has more than one pug – Laura owns one. Which one of the women is in the yoga class?

“a sure thing”

by Maureen Kingston

my newlywed neighbors cross a continent for their special breed / three days hard drive through texas-oklahoma-arkansas / why not jamaica for the same price? i ask / a fogey notion / hybrid’s the name of the game / prized schnoodles-puggles-cheagles / or the bigger golden saints-great danebulls / predictable-chic’s what folks seek / variation / but on a theme / known with a hint of unknown / no surprise jellyfish stings / perfect companions for our gene-spliced age / pets at-a-glance / no need to suffer mystery mutts / no need to wonder why frida’s built like a shotgun shack when mama’s a slim whippet / would i care to dog-sit some time? they ask / & i say sure & wink at their beagleman / who knows where our night together might lead?

“A Brief History of Charles Darwin”

by Allie Rizzo

Charles Darwin is credited with discovering evolution.  His Theory of Evolution is a staple of science, and is the basis of almost all subsequent discoveries.  Most people, when they think of Darwin, picture a middle-aged man, vigorously taking notes on finches in the Galapagos.  There is, however, a lot that people don’t know about Darwin.  Find below a brief history of his life.

Charles Darwin was born February 12, 1809, which makes him only a few years older than most. When Charles was young, he enjoyed basking in the sun and searching for small toads within the walls of his mother’s house.  It is believed that Charles’ collection of Tonka trucks was unrivalled in his neighbourhood, and that many of the local children would come to watch him create elaborate scenarios in which the trucks raced each other and carried supplies from one area to the next. His favourite truck’s name was “Evolulu” (an almost eerie prophecy for the future!).

When Charles Darwin was 41, he started his first year at England College, as was customary in those times.  His roommate, J-Date, and he would often skip class and stay out all night.  Darwin got pretty heavily into Led Zeppelin in those days, even using his last 4 sickles to purchase a poster depicting the band.  He fastened this poster onto his wall.  In certain lights, visitors to England College can still see this poster.  It is a fine-looking poster.

When Charlie graduated one year later with a degree in Hips, he took an apprenticeship working for his Uncle Bern, a world-renown factory worker and Poet Lauriat to the Queen.  Here, Charles was able to compose some of the most beautiful poems ever written by scrawling them on the oil tanks of the Ford T-Models they made in Uncle Bern’s factory. Uncle Bern did not own the factory. But he worked there. So it wasn’t actually Uncle Bern’s factory. I just said that to make it easier.

On one fateful evening in the year of his graduation, Charles Darwin’s life changed forever.  J-Date came back into town for one night and one night only on his stand-up comedy tour.  After the show, Charles and he went out to all their favourite haunts, drinking just like the old days. Charles woke up 15 hours later on the floor of the HMS Beagle.  As the morning broke, he caught sight of a tattoo on his left breast depicting a small, yet obvious cartoon of a Chinese woman.  She appeared to be dancing.   

As Charles searched desperately for a glass of water, he ran into a crew member aboard the ship, who told him they were headed to South America.  Upon hearing this information, Charles reportedly laughed and told the crew member he “must be bat-shit crazy”. But the crew member was not bat-shit crazy.

After a few weeks, the HMS Beagle finally hit shore in the Galapagos, where Charles was able to enjoy some much needed fun in the sun.  He did notice, however, that there were lots of different finches and stuff. He was like “these are different, but the same”.

His realization became even more realized when he read Jane Goodall’s “In the Shadow of Man”.  He thought to himself, “Perhaps Evolution is something”.

Upon returning to England, Charles drafted a quick “Origin of the Species” and dropped it off with his friend Bob, who worked at Kinkos.  Because Darwin was friends with Bob at Kinkos, his book got published before Alfred Russell Wallace’s book.  Alfred had also discovered evolution, and was devastated that Darwin had beaten him to the punch.  Fortunately, Alfred was also able to achieve worldwide fame by writing the song “You Can Call Me Al” by Paul Simon.

After publishing, Charles and Al lived in peace and harmony on a hill in Fairview, New Jersey, until they died tomorrow, whispering words of hate into one another’s ears.

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