Salute Our Shorts: The News in Brief

“Ripping the Headlines”
by Paul Lander

Time reading is time wasted, Hobo Pancake Nation. You think you can work on upping that Halo score AND stay informed? Hell, no! Well, me neither. That’s why I like to treat the news like I treat people. Make a snap judgment and move the hell on. So, here are some headlines and my first thoughts:

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal: “I’m not an evolutionary biologist”
It appears he’s using himself as an example to prove Darwin wrong.

Extraordinary’ 5,000-year-old human footprints discovered
What’s extraordinary is Larry King still has those shoes…

Blueberries can lower blood pressure
While blood pressure skyrockets trying to find someone to fix a Blackberry.

The future starts today not tomorrow’: Pope Francis
If this Pope thing doesn’t work out Francis can always have a career writing fortune cookies.

Google signs 60-year lease on NASA airfield and hangars
Don’t believe me?  Google it.

Kelly Osbourne gets tattoo tribute to Joan Rivers
Let’s hope Ozzie didn’t dictate it or it says, ‘Deitsve Scheompy.’

Zamboni driver arrested for DUI
He likes his transportation like he likes his drinks… on ice.

KKK wants to recruit blacks, Jews and gays
Who knew there was a market for people who want to burn a cross on their own lawns?

Scientists can’t figure out if watching porn shrinks the brain or smaller brains are drawn to porn
I bet the pizza delivery guy would know.

Is there a parallel universe that’s moving backwards in time?
I believe the official scientific name for that is Mississippi

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