Iambic Ixplosion

“Neglect”

by Matt Yeager

I’ve of necessity been

Withered, withdrawn,

Recalcitrant in my care of the lawn

But I need forgiven.

You see I have reasons

For being late,

I’d rather stay inside and masturbate,

Than venture outside this season.

“Side Effects No Charge”

by Rick Blum

I woke with an ache deep in my head

so bad I could barely get out of bed

off to the doc I trundled with dread

but to my relief, here’s what he said

This kind of complaint is easy to treat

take these green pills whenever you eat

they’ll make your pain feel softer and sweet

though once in a while the cure’s incomplete

I did just what the doctor did say

and wouldn’t you know the very next day

though the pain in my head had all gone away

it moved to my feet and turned them to gray

Back with the doc, who spoke with a grin

lucky for you it’s your feet not your skin

then I wouldn’t know where to begin

take this shot daily, you’ll feel well again

And better I felt for a couple of hours

’til both ears blew up like ripe cauliflowers

so I hustled back to the medicinal towers

for a third dose of my doc’s healing powers

This is very rare, you must be a freak

though I have to admit, my interest you pique

don’t worry yourself, not everything’s bleak

this spray twice a day restores aural physique

Soon my ears were back to right size

but now my gonads became my demise

swelling like beach balls, I dialed doc Nies

hoping that he would say something wise

Pills stopped the pain, but colored your toes

shots fixed your feet, but made your ears grow

the spray worked great, though now you walk slow

time to pull out all stops, let’s give it a go

Your head pain I’ll zap with harsh radiation

on your feet I’ll perform a twin amputation

the ears will respond to lobe implantation

but your testes, I fear, need total castration

This came as a shock as you might expect

my doc’s super smart, a man I respect

but this was advice I had to reject

instead I devised my own plan to effect

I gave away the green pills for free

the shots and the spray I trashed happily

then fixing the pain that started this spree

tossed my Chinese rock pillow into the sea

 
“The Dyslexic Pharmacist”

by Michael Cantin

“Take ten pills daily, for one week”
just sounded arduous in my mind.
My throat reflexively shut tight
like a panic room door in protest.

I nodded slowly.
She smiled assuredly.
I paid my fifty one dollar co-pay.

Then I figured it out,
took a calming breath
as I checked the receipt for accuracy.
Satisfied, I at last smiled back.

This was either the most unorthodox flirting
I have ever encountered,
or the best gag in the HMO.
Either way,
I may be refilling my prescription early.

“Hypochondriac”

by Bradley Meyer

I had a pain in my side;
my body wasn’t acting right.

The doctor examined it;
he poked & prodded-

-Does this hurt? No?
This? No?
This?

I laughed.

-You’re ticklish.
-I am.
-How are your bowel movements?
-Excellent, & yours?
-Just fine.

He poked around some more.

-It’s not your appendix.
If it were, you would be dead by now.

-Well, I’m glad it isn’t that.
-Yep.

With certitude, he concluded:

-I’ve examined you &
I don’t think it’s anything.

-It’s not?
-Nope.

When my side found out it wasn’t anything,
the pain in it vanished since,
nothing can’t exist.

I feel better for it.

“Love that operates”

by Timothy Pilgrim

Surgeons stroll together, poodle

prancing behind, lust after sailboats

vying for position on the windy lake,

shiver in silence on opposite ends

of a sullen bench. She texts her mom;

he yawns. They order new scalpels

from Amazon. Patients hide

amid shale, wait for wind to die.

Pompom must be about to freeze.

She agrees, tugs the leash,

rises to leave. They shuffle back

to matching SUVs, without words,

hands jammed into pockets,

his into his, hers into hers.

“Quarantined”

by Denny Greene

Quarantined in a tempered glass box

With dozens of chains and three locks

Were babies with scabies

(And tabes and rabies)

And both camel and monkeypox