“The New Book of Genesis”
By A.J. Serrano
After receiving my new energy bill from the DWP the other day, I decided to take my mind off the impending dip in my net worth by writing a far more realistic account of the Bible’s creation story.
In the beginning God created heaven and earth. And then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and God saw that the light was good but that it had an occasional flicker. And then God received a phone call and it was an automatic message from the Department of Water and Power. And the message saith in a voice of robotic apathy, “Your bill is $3 trillion, payable by the end of the month. We do not accept money orders. Thank you.” And God bristled with anger and called the DWP back and He waited on hold for twenty minutes as a Muzak version of “One of These Nights” by The Eagles played on repeat. And when the other line picked up, God heard the voice of a lowly clerk and unto her He spoke. “I am the Lord Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen. Whosoever dares to limit my power shall feel my wrath.” The clerk snacked mightily on a bag of Doritos Cool Ranch and respondeth between loud bites, “If you don’t pay the bill by the end of the month, you will be known more as the maker of the unseen and the dimly lit.” The Lord then created a tremendous storm that poureth rain down upon the Department of Water and Power with a merciless force. And God descended upon earth and He produced a serpent from the ether and presented it to the clerk. The serpent hissed and snapped at the clerk and God saith in a voice that trembled like thunder, “I am Lord, the maker of all things, the ruler of all flesh. Freely I give unto thee your daily bread. Whosoever bites the hand that feeds is resigned to the same hell from whence this serpent came. In a word, I ain’t paying this bill.” And the fear of the Lord soon swept through the clerk and she fell onto her knees before God Almighty and begged for forgiveness. And then a loud knock came from the office door and it was dislodged from its frame by a tremendous kick and behold! a team of police officers and Central Park Zoo officials stormed into the office and surrounded God. And the Zoo Director pointed to the Lord and saith, “Yup, that’s the guy. Snagged the boa right out from its cage about two hours ago.” And shackles were placed upon the Lord’s wrists and the police captain looked straight into the face of God and repeated his Miranda rights. And then evening came and God spent the conclusion of the first day viewing the fruits of his labor from a tiny barred window in a five by six cell at the Lincoln Correctional Facility.