Salute Our Shorts: The News In Brief

“Ripping the Headlines”
by Paul Lander

Time reading is time wasted, Hobo Pancake Nation. You think you can work on upping that Halo score AND stay informed? Hell, no! Well, me neither. That’s why I like to treat the news like I treat people. Make a snap judgment and move the hell on. So, here are some headlines and my first thoughts:

‘Two easy steps to a toned body’
1. Photo
2. Shop

‘3D-printed guns: expert warns of threat to user’
According to the NRA, the only thing that will stop a bad 3D printed gun is a good 3D printed gun

‘Hackers steal $44.47 million from ATMs worldwide in a matter of hours’
They did pay $15.66 Million in fees…

‘Russia can arrest people suspected of being gay’
Which explains why there isn’t a member of the Village People dressed like a Cossack.

‘Police bust senior citizen prostitution ring; 75-year-old suspected pimp arrested’
Now that’ll put the walker in streetwalker

‘Pot pipe Found in Kid’s Burger King Happy Meal’
They should really call it a Very, Very Happy Meal

‘Man Wrestles 7 foot shark ashore’
In related news, world’s tallest lawyer attacked while swimming in ocean…

‘Men’s Wearhouse board fires George Zimmer, founder and public face of company’
Expect him to file a suit… and to then file a second suit free.

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