Salute Our Shorts: The News in Brief

“Ripping the Headlines”

by Paul Lander


Ripping the Headlines
by Paul Lander

Time reading is time wasted, Hobo Pancake Nation.  You think you can work on upping that Halo score AND stay informed?  Hell, no!  Well, me neither.   That’s why I like to treat the news like I treat people. Make a snap judgment and move the hell on.  So, here are some headlines and my first thoughts:

‘US Economy Adds 157,000 Jobs in January’
Although most of them were taken by Ryan Seacrest and Mario Lopez.

‘Google’s Self-driving Car Logs 300,000 Miles Without an Accident’
Guessing it wasn’t made in Asia

‘White House: Rubio Immigration Moves May ‘Bode Well’ for Action’
Look for opposition to proposal to come from… Rubio

‘World may be forced to go vegetarian by 2050, scientists say’
Call me an optimist but I think enough people will die from obesity, stroke and heart disease to stop that from ever happening.

‘GOP: “We Can’t Come Off as a Bunch of Angry Old White Men”‘
WIth Boehner’s spray tan we can be a bunch of angry old orange men

‎’Chris Brown Crashes Car While Evading Paparazzi’
For Rihanni’s sake, hope she didn’t try and give him directions

‘Oldest Poison Pushes Back Ancient Civilization 20,000 Years’
And explains how Larry King’s first wife died.

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