“Ripping The Headlines”
by Paul Lander
Time reading is time wasted. You think you can work on upping that Halo score AND stay informed? Hell, no! Well, me neither. That’s why I like to treat the news like I treat people. Make a snap judgment and move the hell on. So, here are some headlines and my first thoughts:
‘Iran blocked Google’
Because they only believe in searches were the person is never heard from again.
‘Pippa Middleton: It’s ‘Startling’ To Be Famous For My ‘Bottom’
As opposed to Paris Hilton who is just famous for being a total ass
‘Michigan man shoots himself in the penis’
All the police could find was circumcisional evidence.
‘Cops called after Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael stages intervention’
Guess they thought they’d finally seen enough when she endorsed Mitt Romney.
‘Global bacon shortage “Unavoidable,” group says’
Chris Christie says he has an alibi
’Pizza Hut’s Cone Crust Pizza with Cream Cheese and Honey Mustard’
Recommended by 9 out of 10 cardiologists with expensive mortgages.
“Bank Robbery Stuns Sesame Street”
by Colleen Wilson
A robbery occurred at Sesame Street Bank Tuesday afternoon. Bank President Count von
Count says, “The thief made off with one, two, three thousand dollars. Ha ha ha!” According to
investigator Sherlock Hemlock, the robber slipped in through an open window while bank
employees were outside helping a seven-year-old girl count to five-hundred. The robber then
apparently ate through several counters, walls, and motion sensors before chewing his way into
the bank vault. It appears the robber also ate the security cameras, leaving no video footage of
the incident.
In a neighborhood rarely affected by crime, residents have shown mixed reactions. Local
resident Cookie Monster expressed sympathy for the culprit. “Me like to think robber was poor
monster who only meant to take couple hundred dollars to support cookie— uh, me mean
donut— habit, but accidentally ate whole safe.”
But longtime resident Susan Robinson described a scene of shock and dismay. “Big Bird
won’t leave his nest because he thinks someone will steal it and he’ll have to sleep under a
bridge with hobos. Baby Bear now keeps his college fund under his mattress. Grover has
developed a nervous eye-twitch.”
Susan’s husband Gordon added, “And if things quiet down for one minute, capital letter
R hops by and shouts “RRRROBBERY!” to get everyone upset again. Wait’ll I get my hands on
that little creep— he’ll look cursive by the time I’m through with him!”
Police Chief Elmo has asked for anyone with information on the robbery to contact him
within the next ten minutes, as after that time frame he will have tired of playing “police officer,”
opting instead to sing a song about the beauty of broccoli.
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