Annals of the Flesh

“Ask Papa Ratzi”

by His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI

Infallible advice from the Vatican’s very own love doctor!

Dear Pope,

Sometimes it burns when I pee.  Should I tell my girlfriend?

-J.D. in PA

My dear J.D.,

The burning sensation you are now experiencing is but a small taste of the fiery damnation that awaits you in the afterlife if you do not give up your current profligacy.  Premarital sex is a shame in the eyes of God; a mortal sin.  If your proclivities damage your ability to procreate, what then will your sexual purpose be??  Think hard on these matters.  Pray, and pray the rosary.  Tell your girlfriend you will no longer do her the spiritual harm of sinful copulation.  This, plus a heavy load of doctor-prescribed medication, shall cleanse and cure you and bathe you in the light of Christ.

Yours in the Eucharist,
His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, formerly Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, Defender of the Roman Faith

Dear Pope,

YO!  You got mad game with those hats, B-dawg.  Can I borrow one sometimes?  Not for the ladies but then I can be all, “shit, Matt Lauer, CHECK THIS, I am wearing a hat from the motherfucking POPE!”  And Matt Lauer will be like, damn, I FORGOT THAT KANYE WEST IS THE SHIT.  HE IS LIKE THE POPE OF HIP-HOP.  Cuz when it comes to droppin’ beats I am INFALLIBLE yo!  Also, I can put you in my next video.  You can grind on some fineass nun or some shit, right?  Come on, we each got mad kingdom and power and glory (and Kardashian), let’s make some shit HAPPEN for REAL!

Peace out,

KANYE

My dearest KANYE,

I have long observed the hip-hop tradition of carrying chalices based on the Roman Catholic Eucharist, and hoped that, if only the musical tradition could admit Christ, there might be some room for dialog.  Imagine my joy when I first heard the strains of your seminal classic “Jesus Walks” — your rhymes were the finest in Christendom that day, a true modern hymn.

Alas, I cannot simply loan out my hats and mitres — strict Vatican rules, I’m afraid — but I am interested in further collaboration, and not merely for the sake of “fineass nuns.”  You have the gentleness and humility of a genuine leader of the Church.  I will put my people in contact with your people, and together, we will make Matt Lauer weep for his very soul.

Yours in the Eucharist,
His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, formerly Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, Defender of the Roman Faith

PS: What is “Kardashian”?

Dear Pope:

Friday is my husband and my first wedding anniversary, and I want to make the night REALLY special.  What do you recommend to set the mood?

Sincerely,

Ashley in Nashville

Dear Ashley in Nashville,

Gregorian chant and the rhythm method.  Anything else is just unseemly.

Yours in the Eucharist,
His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, formerly Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, Defender of the Roman Faith