The Astral Plane

“Obits From the Future”

by Mrs. Sowerberry


August 19, 2018

JACKSONVILLE, FL — Football star and conservative spokesman Tim Tebow died due to a diving accident last Tuesday. He was 31.

The son of Baptist missionaries Robert and Pamela Tebow, Tim was celebrating his birthday at a family friend’s house when the accident occurred. Eyewitnesses present at the pool party say that Tebow confronted a lifelong fear of heights by climbing to the top of a high diving board. When he reached the top, he walked out to the edge of the board and dropped to one knee (commonly known as “Tebowing,” this method of marking an achievement was named for the quarterback in 2011.) Tebow suddenly lost his balance and tumbled down 33 feet, striking his forehead on the swimming pool’s concrete edge. Paramedics arrived shortly after and pronounced the young quarterback dead on the scene.

Prior to his death, Tebow was embarking upon what was widely speculated to be his final season as a professional athelete. Gawker sports website Deadspin broke the story of Tebow’s negotiations to appear on a Fox Sports Network show called “Faith & Football” beginning in 2019, although neither Tebow’s representatives nor the Fox Corporation confirmed that those talks had taken place.

Even though he and his four siblings were homeschooled, Tebow excelled as an offensive football player in high school, thanks to a special rule that “allow[ed] Jesus freaks with no social skills the opportunity to be part of a team.”  Tebow’s high school coach, Adam Hartle, remembers being immediately impressed with Tim: “Here you got a kid who’s enormous, with the strength and speed of an ape and an intellect to match — it’s every coach’s dream.”

Tebow went on to matriculate at the University of Florida, eventually earning the Heisman trophy and allegedly inspiring “the Tebow Rule,” which prevented NCAA athletes from writing messages on their eye black. “It was bizarre,” said an NCAA official who spoke under condition of anonymity. “The NFL already had a rule preventing players from using their eye black as billboards, but we always figured no college student gave a [expletive] about anything besides winning, chasing pussy or drinking beer. Timmy really broke the mold.”

The Denver Broncos drafted Tebow in 2010, where he played as backup QB until 2011, when he replaced Kyle Orton as starter. He remained with Denver for five years before being traded to Dr. James Dobson’s expansion team, the Colorado Springs Blastocysts. An ACL injury in 2016 limited his play time, but Tebow never wavered in his passion for football or his desire to curtail the rights of fertile women.

Pamela Tebow spoke through tears at a press conference on Wednesday: “Thank you all for your prayers and kindness at this difficult time. Our family is grieving, but we are comforted by the knowledge that our Tim has gone home to be with the Lord. His death is a tragedy, but it is a testament to our son’s legacy that he passed on as a result of his overwhelming love for God, just like our Savior, Jesus Christ.”  Mrs.Tebow’s comments were met with whoops, hallelujahs, and the occasional eye roll from heathen reporters. Robert Tebow stepped up to the microphone and requested that donations be made in Tim’s name to The Tebow CURE Hospital or Uncle Dick’s Orphanage in the Phillipines, promising that the latter “is way less kid-rapey than it sounds.”

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