Screams & Grumbles

“Dear Monica”

by Kashana Cauley


Dear Monica,


I am writing this email to formally express disappointment that you’ve chosen not to return my phone calls or texts.  I searched the Internet for this email address because now that two weeks have passed I have a bit more to say to you than text messages or voicemails allow.  Our first date went rather well; I am disappointed that you appear to disagree.  With all due respect, you couldn’t have possibly decided that we’re not suited for each other for the reasons stated below:


– We were both on time.  We appeared at the exact minute we were due to meet.  Earliness implies nervousness; lateness disrespect.  But people who are on time are precise, like pistons in engines.  I’ve known my whole life that I should be with someone equally precise; you understood the concept better than anyone I’ve ever met.  Life is too short to be with the early or late.  Since your Facebook page states that you are thirty-three, it is not surprising that you are mature enough to understand the importance of being on time.


– You repeatedly touched your face during dinner, which is a sign of female attraction to a male.  I am aware of what the twenty to twenty-five men standing behind me at the bar looked like; you couldn’t have possibly been directing this gesture to them.  It is undoubtedly important for you to be with someone you find attractive.


– During dessert, when I showed you the spreadsheet I’d prepared showing dinner options for our second date, you smiled and said it was “cute.”  Spreadsheets are not always greeted with such unabashedly positive reactions.  I imagine the attached spreadsheet which catalogues all the reasons that wouldn’t fit in this letter regarding why our date went well will provoke an equal level of delight; I’m sorry I won’t be there to see it.  It is hard to find suitable partners with the proper love of spreadsheets.


– While we were not able to set a time and place for our second date during dinner, as you were stepping into your cab, you promised to call me.  I cleared the next week in my calendar, I waited patiently for contact from you confirming this stated interest in calling me.  It is surprising and a little disappointing that you are not always a woman of your word, but I forgive you and look forward to our next phone conversation.  If you were truly uninterested, you would not have promised to call.


I look forward to speaking with you soon!





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