“Dear Monica”
by Kashana Cauley
Dear Monica,
I am writing this email to formally express disappointment that you’ve chosen not to return my phone calls or texts. I searched the Internet for this email address because now that two weeks have passed I have a bit more to say to you than text messages or voicemails allow. Our first date went rather well; I am disappointed that you appear to disagree. With all due respect, you couldn’t have possibly decided that we’re not suited for each other for the reasons stated below:
– We were both on time. We appeared at the exact minute we were due to meet. Earliness implies nervousness; lateness disrespect. But people who are on time are precise, like pistons in engines. I’ve known my whole life that I should be with someone equally precise; you understood the concept better than anyone I’ve ever met. Life is too short to be with the early or late. Since your Facebook page states that you are thirty-three, it is not surprising that you are mature enough to understand the importance of being on time.
– You repeatedly touched your face during dinner, which is a sign of female attraction to a male. I am aware of what the twenty to twenty-five men standing behind me at the bar looked like; you couldn’t have possibly been directing this gesture to them. It is undoubtedly important for you to be with someone you find attractive.
– During dessert, when I showed you the spreadsheet I’d prepared showing dinner options for our second date, you smiled and said it was “cute.” Spreadsheets are not always greeted with such unabashedly positive reactions. I imagine the attached spreadsheet which catalogues all the reasons that wouldn’t fit in this letter regarding why our date went well will provoke an equal level of delight; I’m sorry I won’t be there to see it. It is hard to find suitable partners with the proper love of spreadsheets.
– While we were not able to set a time and place for our second date during dinner, as you were stepping into your cab, you promised to call me. I cleared the next week in my calendar, I waited patiently for contact from you confirming this stated interest in calling me. It is surprising and a little disappointing that you are not always a woman of your word, but I forgive you and look forward to our next phone conversation. If you were truly uninterested, you would not have promised to call.
I look forward to speaking with you soon!
Best,
James
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