Judgment Day

“Emotional Equality, Chicago Style”

by Omar Azam

People often ask: “What’s the right way to punish sex criminals?” According to Judge Myron Stampolsky, the answer lies in “emotionally vindictive punishment.” His vision is more radical than tort reform or innovative prisons. It’s more about making perpetrators feel their victim’s pain.

BACKGROUND

Since the ratification of the thirty-first amendment, which guarantees emotional equality, doling out emotional retribution has become easier. Stampolsky, the “czar” of the Illinois Fourth Circuit Court, claims to be the first to regularly reward emotional damages. His punishments are also designed to prevent future crimes. Brief but cataclysmic emotional experiences induce a cathartic spiritual shock. Although his methods are controversial, Judge Stampolsky can brag of a very low rate of recidivism. Here we highlight the landmark case, Lillywhite vs. Marr.

THE CRIME

According to court records, at 10:48 pm on June 21, in Wicker Park, Hal Lillywhite, a 27 year-old itinerant, confronted Laura Marr, a local resident, who was jogging. He appeared distressed and disabled, and Marr stopped to speak with him. At that point, he brandished a butter knife and ordered her into a looming hedge.

After coaxing the slow jogger into the bushes, he threatened to cut her wide open and maybe even shoot her unless, “she sucked [his] dick this instant.” Ms. Marr complied and did a pretty good job of satisfying the rapist, considering the circumstances. The 2 minute ordeal ended in a fainting orgasm, after which the victim escaped the premises, finding shelter under a willow tree, weeping. She completed the rest of her jog to the police station, where she filed a report, complaining of nausea and humiliation. The perp was found 27 minutes later, panhandling at the train station. He was taken into custody and confessed. He appeared wired on drugs.

THE TRIAL

After an expedited trial which ended the next year, a guilty verdict was pronounced, at which point the sentencing took an unusual turn. Judge Stampolsky ordered his court to survey 100 random local women and asked them the top feelings they would experience in this rape scenario. He proclaimed, “The respondents serve as expert witnesses to the human condition.” Interviews with the women revealed a consensus as to what Ms. Marr probably felt like during the crime. The findings were forwarded by the principal investigator, Juanita Alvarez, who announced: “The top adjectives we came up with were: ‘persuaded’, ‘degraded,’ and ‘invaded.’ Further, our impressionistic finding is that the shock and fear of the assault would be unquestionably terrorizing.” In court, the withered perp issued a molar-grinding acquiescence.

PLAN TO PUNISH

After a few more days of sharing feelings, the court arrived at a full understanding of the victim’s psyche. Judge Stampolsky then advanced an activist agenda. He ordered the jury to invent a punishment that would evoke similar feelings in the perp, if not rehabilitate him instantaneously, by subjecting him to the shock and fear of succumbing orally to a social and sexual undesirable. In closed-door sessions, a plan was hatched to unleash an obese and unkempt dominatrix. She would surprise him at some unnamed point in the future, in a place of vulnerability and helplessness, such as the bathroom, and demand oral sex. It was agreed that the hired hand would be equipped with a taser, which she would use to secure his acquiescence and bring him to his knees, so to speak. In plain words, he would be ordered to eat out the lady’s unwashed vulva until orgasm.

THE PAYBACK

After the judge agreed with the punishment, the perp was kept unawares of the plan, and released into a halfway house, with an ankle monitor. He was unaware that the court-mandated karmic intervention was bound to trap him in its snares. Sure enough, 12 weeks later, a professional hit-lady, who had not showered nor shaved for 3 weeks, broke into the perp’s residence according to protocol and accosted him in his sleep with a dose of electricity. She then shoved his head between her thighs and told him the rules of engagement. At this time, due to rules of informed consent, the perp was notified that if he resisted he would be forced to suck cock or even take it up the ass, a suggestion to which he demurred. He tearfully licked and penetrated that pussy and ate it until they both cried out in relief and release. Justice was done.

THE RESULTS

When interviewed the following week, the perpetrator said that he still felt horny for joggers and that he was “scared shitless” of not knowing if he would be raped again in the future. Judge Stampolsky had a different view of things: “If there is one thing American Psychology teaches us, it is to reward sin with sin, and to effect rehabilitation through behavior modification.”

NO STOPPING HIM

Since this landmark case, Stampolsky has furthered his agenda by punishing other heinous crimes through emotional retribution. Wilhelm Masterbich, 43, used to entice strange children into his Eurovan with king-sized candy bars. He would help them remove their clothing and fondle their genitals and stroke himself to orgasm, sometimes upon their bodies. Then he would drop them back off at the playground. One time he took this too far and was apprehended. After being found guilty of many such assaults, the judge sentenced him to be molested by a string of septuagenarians. He was to receive this abuse while dressed in diapers, and then was made to lie still while the elderly men, wearing masks of the perp’s parents, stroked him with one hand and themselves with the other, all the while talking sweetly to him, before coming on his diapers. After the assaults, he was dumped into local singles’ bars.

Romina Tert, an assisted-care worker who had been found guilty of neglecting her wards, many of whom were elderly or mentally ill, by locking them in closets and starving them, was herself starved and forced to ingest so much LSD she couldn’t think or walk straight. And Omar DuPree, a pit bull fight organizer, was forced to fight other dogs on all fours for his meals, and to live in a crowded kennel with scores of other loud dogs to see what pit bull life really felt like.

THE FUTURE

Other judges have been slowly adopting Stampolsky’s stance, and the judge has been featured in trade publications such as “Top Chicago Judges” and “Proceedings of The Bar.” Judge Stampolsky will be honored at a White House ceremony later this week.