“You’re Still Okay, You’re Only A Classy Ho”
by Shanyn Wright
Look, I just have to address something now.
— I have a great ass.
Well, that’s not for me to say, its for others to judge, but I’ve received
the general consensus which clearly states that it’s fucking ..amazing….
I get a lot of ass with this ass, that’s how insane it is!
It was important to get that out there because I am acknowledging
The fact that I am comfortable with it. It’s awkward when it’s stared at,
And people are surprised that an ass could be so heavenly. They’re even
More surprised when I notice that they’re noticing, and I simply shrug it off.
I know what you’re thinking though, I do.
“What kind of ho just starts ranting about her ass?”
First of all, I do. I’m that ho. That’s me.
Second of all, I’m not offended by that label anymore, because
It’s come to my recent attention that I’ve been branded as one,
so I’m learning to accept it. To understand where I’m coming from, I’ve got to
explain this to you. Should you be interested in the moment I found out I’m a ho, or have any suspicions that you may be one too, you may gain some insight. Or not.
The realization happened when I was at work. I had a couple hours until my shift was over, and I decided to text message this guy that I kinda like, and see what he’s up to. And I genuinely liked this guy, okay – I mean it’s not just the attraction
That was obviously there, but I felt like there could be a real connection with him.
Maybe something romantic and potentially life changing, y’know, shit like that.
And based on previous physical situations, I assumed the feeling was mutual.
So anyway I text him and I’m like, “Hey. What’s up? What are you doing?”
– With like, the word “you” being typed as the letter so I look like I’m kinda “with it”.
An HOUR later, (Guys, not cool by the way, we totally hate that shit but you do it on purpose and it fucking works, you ass holes!) An hour later he replies with, “Nothin. Chillin, U?” And he spells the word “you” with the letter too, so at that point I know we have something in common and it’s flattering. So I decided when
this guy took his fucking time to respond to me that I’d do the same, so I do, I wait.
Fifteen minutes goes by, my alarm goes off (Sorry ladies, secrets out), and I now know that It’s within the safe zone of replying, that the waiting period has been
an appropriate amount of time before I can respond without looking
too desperate, which, obviously…[shrug] – I was.
Trying to sound cute but then coming out completely retarded I write,
“Fuckin bitches. Gettin money.”
In a panic of losing my cool points but digging deeper into a shameful ditch I follow up with, “Ha – ha. Jk. Just at work. What are you up to later?”
– With the letter “L” and the number “8” plus the “er.”
[Whaaat a fucking nerd]
He texts back, “Listen, I don’t know tonight, are you on the pill?”
Um…unsure if his interest in my form of contraception is leading
to the theme of hanging out later, I respond with a question mark.
He writes back, “Look, Shanyn, I’m kinda low on cash and ran out
of my stash of condoms, plus… I was gonna go out later, so if
you’re still awake when I get home I’ll hit you up.”
Uhh, it wasn’t until that moment I’m thinking…
Oh shit, he thinks…I’m a ho.
Well why would he think that, Shanyn?
Oh, I don’t know, probably because I already put out
faster than the free slurpies have gone in July in promotion for 7/11 day, y’know what I mean.
Like, the cherry flavored ones too –
cause everyone loves those ones the most and it’s totally just gone
. Open 24hours, I guess… that’s what I was to this guy. A fucking 7/11.
“Thank you, come again”…
– And if you didn’t make the connection then you’re fucking stupid,
it was clever.
That’s when it hit me, that I was now a ho.
If I could take comfort in anything at this point though,
it’d be that I was still in only phase one of promiscuity.
I don’t know if you knew, but
There are three stages of being easy and they are as follows:
Class A – Hoe
[Which ironically sounds like “classss-ay” which at that point,
you’re totally not, you can still be a ho wearing pearls, just so you know]
Then there’s Class B – Slut
Ladies, You’re now upping the ante with this stage, and most Class B sluts
start to make a profitable earning at this position
And of course, Class C – Whore
…Just the word alone is poking needles into your skin to test for HIV,
the highest honor of indecency you can achieve,
yet the lowest respect you will receive.
So you can imagine my relief when I review these categories
and find myself still in the infancy stages.
I may be a ho, but my white blood cell counts aren’t low!
Anyway, around 3AM I get a call from this ass hole,
and knowingly calling him this, I answer anyway.
“Hey baby, I was just thinking of how beautiful you are, I want to kiss you so bad”
– Which, if you look up in google translation under “Drunk Guy Talk,”
it means: Heeey bitch, am I getting that snatch tonight or what?
I know too, I speak part douche-bag myself.
Trying to be a bit of a bad ass but still playing hard to get
cause I’m a fucking loser at home on a weekend I’m like,
“You mean you were thinking of me or my pussy?”
To which he so charmingly replies,
“What’s the difference, right? ha – haa” [snap, snap]
– I’m making him sound way cooler than he was by the way,
and you know what? I hope he’s reading this too –
Fuck you, Humberto!
So right then, at that second, I’m sitting there and I’m asking myself,
Never mind that you passed Class A : hoe-bag-land,
but you still have a chance to regain your composure,
build some morals and a back bone for that matter,
do you honestly want to subject yourself to this kind of disrespect?
What happened to standards?
What happened to valuing your beautiful body and honoring
your sexuality with dignity and love?
Is this the kind of example you want to set for your younger sister,
your niece, or even future daughters to follow?
The answer was clear.
I picked up the phone,
I straightened my posture and I said,
“-fuck it, your place or mine?”