The Locker Room

“Soccer is Stupid”
by Andrew Jett

A few notable exceptions notwithstanding, soccer is undoubtedly the most pointless activity mankind has ever come up with. This sport involves nothing but a bunch of dudes in short-shorts and ugly socks running from one side of a field to the other. There’s also a ball in there somewhere, but I’m too bored to find it.
Soccer is no fun to watch, it’s no fun to play. It’s just … there.

The concept is fairly straightforward: Two opposing teams try to get a ball into a net, resulting in a “goal,” which is how points are scored. Sounds pretty simple, right? Well, it’s not. In fact it’s so un-simple that a goal is only scored once every forty-eight games. Seriously, a soccer game not ending in a 0-0 tie is one of the seven signs of the apocalypse.

It should be super easy to score goals in soccer. The net is roughly the size of a semi trailer, and the only obstacle between a player and the net is the collection of skinny wusses on the other team. The reason it’s so difficult is because of soccer’s biggest downfall: You can’t use your hands.

Are there any other sports where you’re not allowed to use your hands? I can’t think of any, but if there are they probably suck as badly as soccer. Man was not built with this in mind. God gave us all two hands, and dammit we need to make use of them. Not doing so is bordering on blasphemy, like saying: “Hey, God, I know you gave me four appendages, but I’m good with two. Thanks anyway, buddy.

Sure, we all need our feet. We use them to take us places so we can do cool stuff with our hands, like knitting  and masturbating. Now that I think of it, what real good are feet anyway? Their only purpose is walking, and hell, you can use your hands for that, too.
Ya hear that, feet? You suck.

Another thing that’s completely lacking from soccer is the presence of noteworthy stars within the sport. I mean, can you name one soccer player?

There’s David Beckham, but he’s less famous for being a soccer player than he is for being the douchey pretty-boy husband of Posh Spice.
There’s that Pele guy, but I doubt that anyone born within the last ninety-seven years knows who in the hell he is.
There’s the chick who took off her shirt at the Olympics or wherever that was, but can you remember her name? No, it’s not Shirtless Chick.
That’s about it. Everybody else who plays professional soccer might as well be named That Guy, That One Dude, The Other Guy, etc.

Of course, I’m taking a very American view of this sport (and why not? America rules, everybody else sucks). The rest of the world loves soccer. They all go batshit crazy over it. Every time there’s a soccer game in Europe, the entire continent shuts down. Security has to be deployed in such numbers that the stadium more closely resembles a military occupation rather than a sporting event. “Soccer hooligans” line the stands, wreaking havoc and beating the piss out of each other regardless of what’s occurring on the field.
And this is the world’s twisted and douchey idea of entertainment? No, thank you.

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