Screams & Grumbles

“University of Arkensas Bachelor of Literalism — Elective Course Options”
by Becky Cardwell

HIST304-An Introduction To Jack Shit
40 hours
Credits: 5- Humanities

Jack Shit is regarded as one of Britain’s greatest statesmen. His impact in the late twentieth century was profound, yet his name still generates controversy and even a certain level of antagonism. The aim of this course is to study Shit’s life in detail, assessing both his failures and successes, and to gain some insight into the personality of this fascinating historical figure.

PSYCH114- Scratching Your Arse Or Winding Your Watch – Making The Decision That’s Right For You
18 hours
Credits: 3 – Psychology

While recognizing the need to make decisions, few possess the skill set required in order to ensure that both a non-biased and well informed one is made. This course will provide students with a portfolio of effective tools to assist them in reaching fair and impartial decisions, as well as enable them to trust their judgement after their choice has been made.

*The mathematical skills required in this course are at a very basic level.

CHEM112- Shit Or Shinola: Which is It?

30 hours

Credits: 3- Science
Prerequisite: Background in Organic Chemistry strongly recommended

In this course, students will learn the distinctions between human and animal fecal matter, and a specific brand of wax shoe polish, popular in the early-to-mid 1900’s.

INVST103-Finding The Right Pot To Piss In

30 hours
Credits: 5- Business

In providing a comprehensive grounding in the strategic aspects of investing. This module gives you the tools to determine “borrow, buy, or make decisions” and to conduct effective price and cost analysis. Some knowledge of Microsoft Excel is helpful.

GEOG101- Discerning Your Ass From A Hole In The Ground
30 hours
Credits: 3 – Science
Class Format: 50% Lecture, 50% Field Work

An introductory course for those who have difficulty recognizing their posterior from a crater in the earth. Through a combination of field, lab, and lecture, this course this course will provide students with the resources necessary to successfully identify the difference between the two entities.

*Please keep in mind this course is not equivalent to GEOG1405- Sticking It Where The Sun Don’t Shine

BIO220-Cat-Skinning Workshop
8 hours
Credits 3- Science
*Required Course Materials-Domesticated Feline

This course is designed to provide participants with the practical knowledge and acquire hands-on skills necessary to successfully remove the hide from a household pet. Topics include; ancient vs. modern-day practices, standard access route for scapular incisions, curing methods, among others .
In addition, the course will touch on the most current “best practices” of taxidermy, as well as feline post-skinning care.


“2010 Other Census”
by John Mark Calahan

How many people reside in your household?
How many people do you wish really did not reside in your household?
Who would you say is the person most responsible for contributing to society in your
How many dependants do you have?
How many dependants do you have that are able bodied but are apathetic, have very little
drive and feel that the shelter and food that you supply, will go on forever?
How many hours of television do you watch?
How much of what you watched do you feel that you retained a day later? A week later?
A month later?
Is everything you watched a year ago almost brand new to you?
Do the things on television have an impact on your consummation of non-essential items of your expendable income?
Do you find that you have blurred what is essential and non-essential and you have
DVDs for every work out program, weight losing methods, money making from home without investing a single cent schemes?
Are you more likely to eat Burger King due to the hip and humorous purveyor of processed food filled with fat and hormones?
Do you find that your female offspring are developing at the age of seven due to hormones injected into every former living thing that is possible to ingest?
Do you smoke?
Do you smoke only at bars, only when you drink, only when your other friends smoke?
Do you smoke cigars?
Do you believe that smoking cigars is a reasonable substitution for the desire to have a penis in your mouth?
If male, have you ever had a penis in your mouth?
If female, do you really want a penis in your mouth?
How often would you say you exercise?
How often would you say you go to a gym and spend the lion’s share of your time talking to that lonely person you befriended and since you only had thirty minutes scheduled to workout, you actually only average twelve minutes at best?
Do you wash your hands after urination or defecation?
Do you wipe until you no longer see anything on the paper?
How many wipes would that be usually?
How often do you have a bowel movement?
Do you notice corn or nuts the next day?
What race would you say you are?
Are you white and feel whiter than other whites because you come from Northern European stock such as Norway, Sweden, Holland, Germany, that one region of France that is really close to Germany, England, Wales, Scotland and the Shetlands, Finland, Latvia, Estonia, Lithuania?
If you’re white but are Slavic, Italian, Romanian, Bulgarian, Albanian, Spanish,
Portuguese, Greek and find that you tan without burning, have a lot of conventional sex without much thought to it, do you feel less white than the northern Europeans?
If Spanish or Portuguese from Portugal, do you feel you are white, Latin or Hispanic?
Do you feel the conquistadors really fucked things up by going to the new world and mixing with slaves and natives and then teaching them Spanish or Portuguese only to hear that they are Latino or Hispanic?
If from Spain, is the lisp necessary any longer?
Are you African-American?
Are you black?
Have you ever been to Africa or are you ever planning on going there?
Have you ever gone into a hair salon owned by Africans and had to endure phone calls and chit-chat with other Africans who were braiding your hair who seemed to be speaking English but you did not understand a word they said? Did it suddenly occur to you that you really were not like them after all?
Did it take longer than ten hours to get this done?
If you are the product of a white parent and a black parent, do you feel you are white or black or European/Caucasian or African/black?
What do you think the president really considers himself?
What do you think his live in mother-in-law thinks he is?
If you black and mixed with Aleuts, Hispanics, Latinos, Asians from the former regions known as the orient of Orientals or Asians from India, Pakistan, please just choose black … It’s just less complicated in the long run and Asian parents really get nervous about their children mixing with any race or ethnicity other than their own. Thank you inadvance for that.
Do you have a venereal disease?
What are the chances you believe that you could really contract a venereal disease?
Would you drink out of a stranger’s cup or eat off their plate?
Refer back to the question before the last one?
How often are you having sex?
How often is this alone?
How often with another person?
How often is it pleasurable?
How often is it just a mission of mercy and you’d rather be watching television?
If asked by the government, would you relocate to New Jersey?
What religion are you?
Are you really religious or just go because you feel that your kids need to fear something other than you and the police so that they don’t fuck things up later when you’re too old to stop them?
Did you know that the Protestant church in the United States continues to splinter and grow like the embryos that they are trying so hard to save?
How much porn are you viewing on a regular basis?
If you are protestant, it is okay to deny. If you are Roman Catholic, it is okay to lie about viewing young boys and this applies to men and women.
Do you believe that religion is the opiate of the masses?
Do you believe that equality is still possible and that you can designate a few people to regulate the equality among all?
Would you be willing to relocate to North Korea or Cuba?
Do you believe that 72 virgins would actually find you attractive in the afterlife?
Do you believe they could opt out because you did not read the fine print before you decided to forfeit your life to destroy great evil?
Do you find that you have an interest in flying airplanes but really don’t care to learn how to land them?
Do you believe it is possible for there to be any sort of great evil in Greenland or those
Canadian areas named after dead Englishmen that wouldn’t have bothered to have even visited Canada in the first place?
Do you believe it is possible for flying saucers to visit anywhere else except in Arizona and New Mexico?
Speaking of Arizona …  Do you feel that it is possible for the United States to actually carry on without illegal aliens in the work force?
Yeah? Who will cook, clean tables, dishes, mow lawns, watch children, clean houses, pick up that old water heater that you wanted to throw away and the city told you that you had to pay to have it dumped?
If you answered whites of northern European descent or those other ones that tan, drink wine and are not hung up on sex, do you still believe in Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy or claims of Oral Roberts, Jim Jones or David Koresh?
Do you feel we should just give Arizona back to Mexico and let them sort that shit out?
Would you consider yourself part of the one percent of the nation that is insulated from all economic disasters?
Are you part of that next class that thinks they are part of that one percent and then they see what Oprah makes per year and secretly conclude that you have contributed to the making of a monster?
Are you part of the lower class but could never bring yourself to say that and so you go along with working class?
Are you unemployed and really don’t care to find a job because someone, somewhere is going to figure this out for you?
Do you believe that you are more affluent today than you were ten years ago?
Do you believe that there is less disparity among men and women, races, ethnic groups than in the past?
Do you believe that drugs may have brought us all a little closer than we might have been without them?
Thank you for your time. Your answers will help to make the future a brighter and more efficient place to live.

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