Salute Our Shorts: The News In Brief

Korea News Service announced Kim Jong-Il has plans to reunite North and South Korea in order to add yet another distinctive title to the dictator for life’s large collection. In addition to Chairman of the National Defense Commission, Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army, General Secretary of the Workers’ Party of Korea, and Dear Leader, he also wishes to be known as the “Godfather of Seoul.”

by Mark McCann


“Favorite American Hats”

by David Martin

10,000 Year Old Lizard found In Australia Turns out to Be Vacationing Larry King
by Paul Lander

Adelaide, Australia:  Australian scientists admitted what had been reported as the discovery of a believed to be extinct 10,000 Year Old Lizard turned out to be a vacationing Larry King.  The team of scientists apologized to the famed CNN Talk Show host for dropping a net over him and putting him in a large glass enclosure at the Adelaide Zoological Institute.  They also apologized to the many frightened children who passed by to view the hissing Mr. King.  Dr. Bruno Lucia tried to explain: “Mates, you have to admit he looks like dandy of a Lizard.  And with the camouflage Speedos he was sporting, it was a natural mistake.”

Paul Lander is a partner in the website


New Study Finds: Date Rape = whatever
by James Fluty

According to recent findings from Michigan State University, date rape is “not really rape” and “chicks should probably stop whining about it.”  The study is said to prove that every case of date rape was in fact completely fabricated (either intentionally or not) by the victim.  Probably the most interesting aspect about this study was that it was conducted not by the psychology or science department, but rather by Michigan State’s football team.

“We just really wanted to put this whole date rape myth to rest,” says linebacker Chad Upson.  “We felt a lot of good people were suffering from the misinformation out there, bra.”

According to the three month study, all women who report being date-raped fall into three categories: those who asked for it, those who made it up, and those who lie about it just to be a bitch.

“The first category is probably the most tricky,” says quarterback Bret Broman.  “Many women are asking to be forced into sex without realizing they’re asking for it.  They show cleavage or a lot of leg or they leave their drinks unattended, and that’s a huge way of saying yes, without actually saying yes.  Scientifically speaking.”

Though the study hasn’t been officially released yet, Chad assures “It’s very extensive.  We’ve interviewed everyone from football players to basketball players.  We’ve really left no stone unturned, yo.”

When asked if the football team planned on performing similar studies in the future, fullback Reg Hellaton stated, “We’ve all been interested in creating an official guideline, one that could be recognized by all nations, that illustrates which activities are gay. Too often we find ourselves wondering, is that gay?” The teammates who were sitting around him during the interview all shook their heads and murmured in agreement before Reg continued. “For example, if you want to have sex with Kristin Chenoweth, that’s very awesome.”

“Findings reveal that she’s got hella big tits,” added Chad.

“But if you want to fuck her because of her extensive work in musical theatre –” Reg shook his head and shrugged his shoulders before continuing.  “You see the complexity of this issue.”

When asked about the study, Dean Oldamnton replied, “The football program here certainly brings in a lot of money for the school.” Then he began to softly weep.

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