We tell you what’s worth celebrating in the week ahead: hobo-style.
MONDAY, JANUARY 10
On this date in 49 BCE, Julius Caesar crossed the Rubicon, starting a Roman civil war and giving rise to the phrase “crossing the Rubicon.” Hey! Now you know where that phrase actually came from! Celebrate by explaining this story to all your friends in a pedantic and obnoxious manner. When it comes to being a smartass, you’ve really crossed the Rubicon.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 11
Today marks a Japanese holiday known as Kagami Biraki, or “Breaking of the Mochi.” Traditionally it is celebrated by breaking some mochi, but Wikipedia tells me that opening a cask of sake at a party will also work in a pinch. Get thee to a sushi bar and drink yourself some sake! Even if you don’t open the cask of it, somebody did somewhere, and now you get to party.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 12
Man, remember how back in the sixties, everybody thought we’d have flying cars by now? And their faith in technological modernity led to some ridiculous shit, like people freezing themselves so they could be reanimated someday? Yeah, the first dude who ever pulled that stunt did it today, on Bedford Day, named in honor of some hopeful idiot named James Bedford! Celebrate your own version of Bedford Day by freezing something that was once alive. (Not a person. Maybe, like, a tomato.) Then try to thaw it out and bring it back to life! (Or at least try to make it taste like a real tomato again.) NOW YOU KNOW WHAT POWER SCIENCE HOLDS.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 13
On this date in 2002, Ernest Hemingway’s former first mate, Gregorio Fuentes, died at the ripe old age of 104. Although he was the basis for “The Old Man and the Sea,” apparently he never read the book, because he preferred smoking cigars. Grab a stogie and a Cuba Libre and ignore yourself some classics of modern literature, because goddamnit, you are going FISHING today! Or you could just eat some sea bass or something.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 14
Hey! It’s Dave Grohl’s birthday! DAVE GROHL IS AWESOME. Seriously. He played Satan in the Tenacious D movie. (Suck on that, Courtney Love!) Listen to a bunch of Foo Fighters and pop some Mentos, because today is a day to rock.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 15
It’s Korean Alphabet Day! What? Stop making up holidays, Kim Jong Il. Much better to commemorate the 1889 incorporation of the Coca-Cola Company, because where would America (and the city of Atlanta) be without its sugary brown sludge? NOWHERE GOOD, that’s what I say!
SUNDAY, JANUARY 16
Ayn Rand wrote a play called “The Night of January 16th.” Punch anybody who reads Ayn Rand in the face. Then do it again.
Rad. We’ve still got six years till Back the Future cars hit the market, according the clock in Doc’s DeLorean.
“Although he was the basis for “The Old Man and the Sea,†apparently he never read the book, because he preferred smoking cigars.” Ha! Fish!