Mad Madame Xenia’s Hometruth Horoscopes

Once a month, our very own Mad Madame Xenia looks deep into the future and tells you sad sacks what’s what. Just like that lady on TV with the fake Jamaican accent, but with more bitterness and gin.


December 22 – January 19

It’s All about You!

You’re nothing but a disappointment to me and your Father. Why can’t you be more like your brother, Cancer? Is this how the universe raised you to be?


We understand your need to get where you’re going, and to be recognized for having gotten there. Too bad no one is ever watching. They all have their eyes on the incontinent Libra, or sneaky, sexy Scorpio. You?

Well, who gives a shit about you?

No one.

(It took me forever to even find enough about you to write this chart.)

You are a follower among men. Life has much to offer Capricorn except happiness, respect, satisfaction, admiration, friendship, house guests, and living pets. Many of your lovers end up in counseling.

I can’t go on. I should. I know I have your undivided attention.

But I don’t like you, so . . . there’s that.

It’s in the Stars.

You’ll be surprised by how little the stars have to say about you.

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