Mad Madame Xenia’s Hometruth Horoscopes

Once a month, our very own Mad Madame Xenia looks deep into the future and tells you sad sacks what’s what.  Just like that lady on TV with the fake Jamaican accent, but with more bitterness and gin.


November 23 – December 21

It’s All about You

Happy Belated Birthday, sweetie! I would have written sooner but you don’t make it too easy for Mdme, hmm? Always running this way and that. . . .  No time for anyone but yourself. Quite frankly, I had no idea where you were.

I sound like your wife, don’t I?

No harm meant. (Isn’t that how you put it after you made the waitress cry? “No harm meant?” You just thought she’d feel better if she lost some weight. I understand.)

That lust for freedom and thirst for change – it’s all part of your transient appeal. Apologies! I don’t know what’s gotten in to me tonight. I guess I’m just direct. Hmm?

But back to you! You are a sign that’s in and of the moment, living for the present, no thought of the future. We’d be jealous if y’all weren’t such a wreck. The energy and enthusiasm you bring to life spells hard core drug abuse and sexual mischief. (No wonder you’re the most positive sign in the zodiac!)

Oh, don’t worry. I won’t tell.

It’s in the Stars

I won’t tell because they already know. Look for an intervention mid month.

Unless she leaves you first, in which case you’d have that night free.

A spontaneous road trip will end.

Karma is coming, and she is pissed.

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