We tell you what’s worth celebrating in the week ahead… hobo-style.
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 29
On this date in 1922, archeologist and proto-Indiana Jones Howard Carter opened the tomb of King Tut to the public. Nearly a centuries’ worth of Egyptian curses ensued. Celebrate with a little grave desecration of your own! If relevant laws, a sense of general ethics, or fear of having the shit haunted out of you prohibit you from disturbing the dead, commemorate the first broadcast football game in 1934 — in which the Chicago Bears defeated the Detroit Lions — with a round of America’s new national pastime: making fun of Detroit.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 30
In the year 1700, a Swedish army of 7,500 defeated a much larger Russian army on this date in Narva (wherever the fuck that is). Go to IKEA, or just punch a Russkie. Alternately, recall that a mere six years ago today, Jeopardy! champion Ken Jennings finally lost his winning streak. Punch a nerd.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 1
The year was 1960. The place was Hamburg, Germany. The suspects were two young musicians: Paul McCartney and Pete Best. The crime? ARSON! Remember the youthful discretions of these musical luminaries by jammin’ to some classic tracks from each of them. (I hear Pete Best is available on iTunes now!) If that’s not quite your speed, celebrate Woody Allen’s birthday by being an insufferable neurotic.
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 2
It’s Harry Reid’s birthday! Honor him by boring the crap out of the American electorate. Or, go on a coke-fueled, head-shaving, child-endangering bender to celebrate Britney Spears’s twenty-ninth. Only one more year before Brit-Brit hits the big three-oh, y’all!
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 3
On this date in 1818, Illinois became the 21st US state. Celebrate by chowing a Chicago-style deep-dish pizza, downing a Chicago-style hot dog, and suffering a Chicago-style heart attack. Conveniently enough, today also marks the anniversary of the first successful human heart transplant, so it’s a perfect occasion for a massive coronary event!
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 4
Commemorate the first Burger King opening in Miami in 1954 by dressing up as a freakish wooden monarch and incite the neighborhood children to throw Whoppers at passers-by. If you lack the requisite carpentry skills to fashion yourself a convincingly creepy mannequin, mourn the breakup of Condoleeza Rice’s favorite band, Led Zeppelin, by listening to “Stairway to Heaven” until you pass out and your roommate strangles you in your sleep.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 5
Today is an international holiday known as the Day of the Ninja. I THINK YOU ALL KNOW WHAT TO DO.