We tell you what’s worth celebrating in the week ahead- hobo-style.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 17
On this day in 1814, a huge vat containing over 135,000 gallons of beer exploded at the Meux and Company Brewery in London, creating what is now referred to as the “London Beer Flood.” Nine people died, but you can still party by flooding your own internal organs with beer and hoping that no similar casualties ensue. Once properly soused, celebrate the 1938 birth of daredevil Evel Knievel by jumping your motorcycle — or, should you lack a hog, a motorcycle you have stolen from a random passerby — over eight school buses. Trust me: this is a great idea!
MONDAY, OCTOBER 18
Today is Alaska Day, commemorating the day in 1867 in which the US took possession of Alaska from Russia. Thirty-one years later, the US took possession of Puerto Rico on this date. Go find an obscure land mass and claim it as your own. With a steady diet of regular federal tax subsidies, it should take only one-hundred-forty-one years to grow your very own Sarah Palin!
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 19
Today is Constitution Day for the South Pacific Island nation of Niue, which is a country I am going to guess you have never heard of before. In 2003, the Internet tells me that Niue became the first “WiFi nation” in which free wireless access is provided nationwide. OMG YOU GUYS LET’S ALL MOVE TO NIUE!!!!! Barring that, celebrate this great nation by wasting your entire day on the Interwebs.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 20
Today is Snoop Dogg’s birthday. Puff, puff, pass, all day long.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 21
In the great nations of Mexico and the United States, today is — I shit you not — International Day of the Nacho. Get thyself to a taqueria and honor this holiday in appropriate form! If you’re on the other side of the pond, you can consume some lame-ass fruit instead, because today is Apple Day in the United Kingdom. Apple Day. You know what’s way more awesome than apples? NACHOS! Suck it, limeys!
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 22
On this date in 1746, Princeton University received its charter. Celebrate by acting like you are better than everyone else you know. Alternately, put your innate arrogance to the service of commemorating the 1924 founding of Toastmasters International by giving pompous speeches to anyone you meet. If you’d prefer something a little lower-key, how about heading to Canada and purchasing massive quantities of Red Dye No. 4 to chug at your leisure? The US banned it on this date in 1974 for causing bladder tumors in dogs, but those crazy Canucks like to live on the EDGE.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 23
October 23, 1958 marked the international debut of the Smurfs. Get stoned and spend the day watching those crazy blue kids. Bonus points if you do it on an iPod, the first version of which Apple released on this date in 2001. If you are super-hip, you can take this opportunity to party down for Mole Day. If you don’t know what that is, I am not going to explain it to you, because you are not even worth my time.