We tell you what’s worth celebrating in the week ahead… hobo-style.
Sunday, October 10
On this day in 1575, Roman Catholic forces captured Philippe de Mornay in the Battle of Domans. I don’t know what that is, but you can commemorate it with a Rebecca de Mornay movie. I recommend The Hand That Rocks The Cradle. That movie rocks. Like a cradle. With a hand on it. Or something. If that’s not really your bag, celebrate the birthdays of both San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom and better-known-as-AC-Slater Mario Lopez by lathering yourself with hair gel and trying to bang everyone you meet. When that starts to get depressing, remember that Jack Daniel — yes, that Jack Daniel — died on this date in 1911. Buy some whiskey and pour one out for the homie.
Monday, October 11
There’s nothing better to celebrate today than the forty-eighth anniversary of the start of the Second Vatican Counsel, convened by Pope John XXIII to liberalize Church practices — or, as the current pontiff has described it in correspondence with this website, “some hippie shit John tried back in the sixties… I think somebody put acid in his Communion wine.” Get shitfaced on some vino and be prepared to preach in your local language whilst facing your congregation, because baby, it’s a whole new world out there. (If you are not Catholic, feel free to observe the total non-holiday of Henry Heinz’s 1844 birthday by chugging ketchup packets until you vomit. Bet you wish you were a Papist now, huh??)
Tuesday, October 12
Today is Freethought Day, a holiday honoring secularism and independent thinking. CELEBRATE EXACTLY AS I TELL YOU TO! By which I mean, party down for Oktoberfest, which began on this date in 1810 when some Bavarian royalty with insanely long and unpronouncible names decided to get hitched. Drink some German beer and eat all the sauerkraut you can stomach, because Oktoberfest comes but once a year. Today also marks the anniversary of the initial publication of “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy,” but only a total nerd would want to celebrate something like that.
Wednesday, October 13
OH MY GOD IT’S 1013 IT’S CHRIS CARTER’S BIRTHDAY HE MADE “THE X-FILES” AND IS AMAZING YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!! (Note to self: call in sick to work, spend the day reading fanfic.) (Note to readers: do the same. IT’S THE BEST SHOW EVER AND IF YOU DISAGREE I WILL CUT YOU.) Beyond this, there is literally nothing important that happened today. (Hey! That’s the name of an “X-Files” episode! Hobo Pancakes + Fox Mulder 4EVA!!!!!)
Thursday, October 14
Although you’ll probably spend most of the day recovering from the previous night’s debauched revelry, take some time to commemorate the start of the Cuban Missile Crisis by getting in a fight with a rich, photogenic Irish guy and eating a giant plate of black beans. Soon you’ll have a missile crisis of your very own… in your pants.
Friday, October 15
On this day in 1793, Marie Antoinette was tried and convicted. Eat some cake.
Saturday, October 16
Today’s holiday is Boss’s Day! Wait… isn’t EVERY day boss’s day?! Those wily fucks! Get down with your bad self by quitting your job and becoming your own goddamn boss. Or at least by fantasizing about it while you get piss-drunk and spend the day hating your life. Seriously, what the hell else are you going to do on a Saturday? God made the weekends for drinking! And self-congratulatory holidays honoring people who already have more money and power than you will likely ever see, but, well, at least there’s booze for the rest of us. Thanks, Jack Daniel. You can be the boss of me any day!