Ask Papa Ratzi

Infallible advice from the Vatican’s very own love doctor!

Dear Pope,

My boyfriend totally asked me the weirdest thing. See, we have this friend. Janine. Janine is insane, but she’s cool. Anyway, Janine wants a baby — she seriously wants a baby — but there’s a problem: Janine totally doesn’t have a boyfriend. And isn’t very likely to get one, because of the crazy. (Also, sometimes she smells like onions. I guess that’s because she works at a taco truck? You’d think she could find herself a nice Mexican or something.) Also, Janine is getting kind of old — seriously, she is almost thirty-two, so her eggs are, like, getting shriveled and shit. Anyway, so what my boyfriend asked me is this: apparently Janine asked him if she could use his sperm to make a Frankenbaby, in case she can’t roofie some random frat boy in time to give her his hot love injection before her uterus collapses in on itself like a dying star. And my boyfriend is actually thinking it over! But he wants my opinion before giving her an answer, which I appreciate, and my opinion is this: HELLS NO! I do NOT need my bf getting into baby mama drama with a tequila-chugging, taco-truck-employed crazypants friend of mine. Especially because I know the way Janine parties, and that kid would probably come out with fetal alcohol syndrome. Also, I know the way Janine’s face looks, and that kid would probably come out with fetal ugly syndrome. (Seriously, I love Janine, but she has eyebrows like Peter Gallagher, a nose like Don Cheadle, and a mouth like Janet Reno.  And that’s on a good day.) It would just be grossness all over the place!

So anyway, Pontiff, how do I tell this to my boyfriend and my friend Janine without offending either of them?

Sincerely,
Megain in Manhattan

My Dearest Megain,

While motherhood is the highest purpose for which God created woman, what your friend is suggesting is an abomination — in vitro fertilization is a tool of the devil, aetheists, and Melissa Etheridge.  I suggest utilizing evolution’s oldest trick (evolution is, after all, guided by the hand of God and represents the best of natural law) and getting pregnant yourself, posthaste, immediately after marrying this boyfriend of yours.  A loving commitment blessed by God and the Church will preclude your boyfriend (or in this scenario, husband!) from spreading his seed willy-nilly, even into wombs which reeks of alliums.  Moreover, reassure your friend that hope is not lost: as we always say here in Rome when explaining why marriages predicated upon procreation are acceptable amongst elderly heterosexuals but not between gays of any age, it is never too late for a miracle!  This will assuredly offer hope to your friend, and hope is worth far more than your boyfriend’s sperm.

Yours in the Eucharist,
His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, formerly Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, Defender of the Roman Faith