Dear Pope (heeeheeeheee Pope is a funny name! Your name sounds like poop!),
I was wondering how much does your religion cost? My parents’ religion costs a lot of money. They are almost Jedi Knights and they say if I study hard they will pay for me to be a Jedi Knight too, but when I try to be good and study they put this thing on my head like at the doctor’s. They say it’s called an e-meter and doesn’t hurt but it still makes me scared so I don’t want to be a Jedi Knight after all.
Also I was wondering about where babies come from. My mommy told me that when a mommy and a daddy love each other very very much they can make a baby, but my mommy and my daddy never talk to each other or see each other when they are not around other people. Do babies only get made around other people? Where can I go to see a baby get made?
Thank you very much Mr. Poopy-Pope!
My dear Miss Cruise,
The loving light of the Catholic Christ is free for all to embrace, my child. The times of tithing and indulgences are well behind us, and the Vatican survives well off of its massive stores of gold and jewels. But enough of boring church administration, which cannot be exciting to a child! I am gratified that you are reaching out to us, dear child, for I fear that your parents are in a cult, or at the very least unsavory spiritual company. I, too, understand what it is to be a small child pressed into organizational service for a larger goal which you don’t understand or agree with. Hitler’s Youth Army also promised us all the glory of “Star Wars,” but yet I remained uninterested. Your struggle, my child, is as old as time.
As regards the creation of children, well, they are made with the blessings of Christ, or else formulated by science in an unholy laboratory. Given the scenario you have described above, I am sorry to inform you that you seem likely to have been born of the second option. Although you are a mongrel of man and monster, there is still room for you in the heart of Jesus. Baptism and confession shall cleanse you of your unholy past, and the Mother Church will welcome your presence.
And, yes, “pope” is a funny word, but please refrain from calling me “Mr. Poopy Pope.” My robes are accommodating and I am an old, old man, but this adult diaper I wear remains my great secret shame.
Yours in the Eucharist,
His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, formerly Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, Defender of the Roman Faith