I don’t know if it’s “kosher” for me to write to you — because, see, I don’t know if I’m Jewish or if I’m Christian or what. What’s the difference between the Jewish God and the Catholic God? My grandma says you’re, like, infallible or something, so you can probably help me out.
Also, can we talk about boys? I heard men of the cloth really dig them, so you can probably give me great advice. What’s it like to French a boy? My friend Gretchen says it’s a lot of fun, but I think she might be lying because she can’t really say what Peter McClanahan’s tongue tastes like. I’m also trying to grow my breasts — can you recommend a bra that will bring me closer to God?
Well, gotta run — it’s that time of the month, and this sanitary napkin won’t belt itself!
Sincerely,
Me, Margaret
My dear Margaret,
Are you referring to the monthly visits of the Holy Spirit? Those are blessed events indeed. I cannot speak as to what it is like to French a boy (although I know well what it is to German a boy!).
Now, on to your questions: the difference between the Jewish god and the Catholic God is simple; namely, that the Jewish god is not false, but simply incomplete. The Christian God is a three-for-one deal. Moreover, although Jewish food is delicious, Catholics give you snacks (in a blind taste-test, tasters chose the Eucharist over matzoh five to one!). Finally, manischewitz is disgusting. We Catholics will get you drunk in Mass and outside of it, and we’ll give you the good stuff.
As for your query about a bra, I recommend Maidenform. It’s what Joan of Arc would have worn.
Yours in the Eucharist,
His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, formerly Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, Defender of the Roman Faith
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