Ask Papa Ratzi

Dear Pope,

You’re a world leader.  I’m a world leader.  You’re an autocrat; I’m an autocrat.  You oversee a massive hierarchy that’s constantly covering up “misdeeds”, let’s say, amongst your rank-and-file; I also oversee a massive hierarchy that’s constantly covering up misdeeds amongst the rank-and-file!  Also, misdeeds of my own.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is: Holy See, will you go out with me?  We could get some borscht and watch “Failure to Launch.”  I can tell you all about the invasion of Chechnya, and you can tell me what it was like to be in Hitler’s Youth.  I know you probably get this kind of thing all the time, so here’s a picture of me, too.

Sincerely, Your Biggest Fan,
Vlad “My Dick Is The Impaler!” Putin

Dear Vlad,Although I appreciate your devotion to the traditional authority of the Church, I must warn against your suggestion of “Failure to Launch.”  The sins of the flesh are multitudinous, and so many are precipitated by Matthew McConaughey movies. Papal encyclical XXVVILDJ, Decorus Men Ut A Delictum Obviam Deus Quod Rectus Lex (“Hollywood Hunks As A Transgression Against God And Natural Law”), officially bans his films from seminaries to prevent our devout young men from slipping into dangerous secular moral philosophies.  As such, I must regretfully decline your offer of companionship, at least as you have formulated our evening.  However, I do love beets.  Perhaps you might join for me a bowl of borscht and a rosary now and again?

Yours in the Eucharist,
His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, formerly Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, Defender of the Roman Faith

PS: Thank you for enclosing your picture.  Should you ever attend Mass at St. Peter’s shirtless on horseback, I will identify you readily!

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