Mad Madame Xenia’s Hometruth Horoscopes

Once a month, our very own Mad Madame Xenia looks deep into the future and tells you sad sacks what’s what.  Just like that lady on TV with the fake Jamaican accent, but with more bitterness and gin.

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

It’s All about You:

You are the thinker of the Zodiac, a real savant. You hope this will get you some action but . . . no. Your passive aggressive pleas for attention will be ignored. (I can’t keep doing this with you.)

Chin up, Virgo. That keen mind and analytical nature help you to earn a good living and comfortable surroundings. Beware the tendency to compartmentalize though, especially as it relates to financial matters. I have to grant you exceptional attention to detail, but remember: The IRS is filled with Virgos who also know about compartmentalizing into offshore accounts. An audit in your future, that’s what I’m seeing.

You’re a real perfectionist, never satisfied. No project is ever truly complete. You really do have to work twice as hard to be half as good. Yours is one sucky, sucky sign.

Many think your compulsive behavior is charming, but I see potential here for a promising career in stalking. You try too hard and that’s annoying. I’m surprised no one’s ever mentioned it but I can see right here they haven’t.

Your sense of order and commitment to The One Best Way enable you to spot flaws in others before they spot you outside with the night vision goggles. A natural introvert, once you get to know someone you’re not shy about sharing the many ways they could stand to improve. Possible careers: Psychiatrist, Coach, Warden, Detective, Reality Show Judge, Private Eye, Criminal

It’s in the Stars:

Your chronic paranoia is finally validated by the government’s seizure of your assets.

That kanji tattoo does not say what you think it does. In three weeks you will find out in the most embarrassing way possible. (This really made me laugh.)

Around noon on September 20th, you will completely lose the will to live. Power through, and soon you will be back on top – making others wish they were dead.

2 thoughts on “Mad Madame Xenia’s Hometruth Horoscopes”

  1. The best: “Your sense of order and commitment to The One Best Way enable you to spot flaws in others before they spot you outside with the night vision goggles.”

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