Hello, students. This is Professor McCormick.
It has come to my attention that some rumors have been spreading about my relationship with a certain student who is enrolled in a certain Philosophy 690 course that I certainly instruct on Tuesdays and Thursdays this semester. If you have received this email, then, ostensibly, you are a student enrolled in that course.
That certain student, who for now will remain nameless, happens to be one of my best students. She is an overachiever.
Lately, some students have been posting obscene messages (all of which are 100% Malarkey) at Philosophy 690’s online discussion forum about a certain student’s “performance” in the course.
That twaddle is deplorable.
Those students who have participated in spreading rumors online, about a certain student and I “doing the dirty” in my office after class and on furlough days, will be severely punished.
As an example of how to abuse blackboard and fail Philosophy 690, here is what Gary Archibald Stevens (flunky student ID# 8686868686) had to say during yesterday’s online discussion:
“Atta way! I toootally knew you were a chill professor, Dr. McCormick. I thought (name removed) was souuuper prude. Boy, oh boy, did you prove that wrong! LOL! ROFL! LMAO! Mad props, brosef! Tell me something: how was it, doc? I didn’t think (name removed) had it in her. I really didn’t. Did you?”
That’s enough. You get the idea. Obviously, that post has nothing at all to do with yesterday’s assignment. And secondly, had Hobo Pancake’s “Grammar Hammer” worked on that thread, Archibald’s post would have been demolished. I mean, really? You don’t know how to spell “super,” Archie? Moron.
Now, I have something to say to Archibald and the other students who have been spreading claptrap about a certain student and me “doing the dirty.”
You will fail, fail, fail this course and then you will burn, burn, burn in hell. That is, if you survive until semester’s end.
Sincerely banging only my wife,
Jason Mack, Ph.D.