Welcome to “Past Help,” our advice column for lovelorn and confused members of the HP nation! This month’s expert to solve all of your syrup-addled quandaries is Hippocrates of Kos. Thanks to the Father of Medicine for taking time out of his busy schedule!
Dear Hippocrates,
My mother-in-law moved in with us three months ago, and she is driving me CRAZY! I know she means well, but she doesn’t respect how my husband and I have chosen to manage the household — for example, we’re strict paleo eaters, and she keeps bringing bread into the house. She also bought us a vacuum cleaner because she doesn’t trust our Roomba — even though the whole reason she moved in with us is because she doesn’t have much money! How do I maintain my sanity but also my authority??
Sincerely,
Overwhelmed in Omaha
Dear Overwhelmed,
The secret to any prognosis lies in the balancing of the four humors. Are you or your mother-in-law particularly phlegmatic? Melancholic? Sanguine? If it is the last one, I recommend gentle bloodletting and then washing the wound with clean wine.
In Health,
The Great Hippocrates
Dear Hippocrates,
My girlfriend has always been fun-loving — it’s one of the things that drew me to her. But lately her grades have been slipping, and I wonder if her partying is getting too out of control. How do I talk to her about my concerns without sounding controlling?
Sincerely,
Boyfriend in Baltimore
Dear Boyfriend,
Rest and immobilization can heal most conditions. I recommend securing your girlfriend to a Hippocratic bench, where she will be able to recover fully and recognize that education is not a proper pursuit for a woman.
In Health,
The Great Hippocrates
Dear Hippocrates,
I’ve been unemployed for eight months, so when a good friend of mine offered me a job at her company, I took it — even though I was nervous about how working together might affect our friendship. He’s pretty gentle and laid-back, so I thought it would be great, but boy was I ever wrong! As a boss, he is so focused and ruthless… the pay isn’t great and I really don’t know if it’s worth the daily injury to my self-esteem to put up with his berating. Plus, we never hang out outside of work anymore; who wants to have dinner with their boss?! I don’t know what to do!
Sincerely,
HELP! in Harrisburg
Dear HELP!,
You have stumbled upon the age-old quandary of science: our inability to diagnose well, for we are unable to predict the future. Our observations can only result in prognosis and treatment. Your inability to properly your diagnose your friendship now requires you to treat it. As I always say, walking is man’s best medicine, and I recommend that you walk your way out of this illness by walking out the door.
In Health,
The Great Hippocrates
Great concept and execution!