Welcome to “Past Help,” our new advice column for lovelorn and confused members of the HP nation! The first expert to solve all of your syrup-addled quandaries is King Louis XIV of France. Thanks to Louis for taking time out of his busy schedule!
Dear Sun King,
I’ve been fighting with my boyfriend a lot lately, and I’m not sure what’s wrong. He’s coming home late, seems tense, and whenever I try to talk to him, it’s like he just explodes! He says he’s under pressure at work, but I think there’s something he’s not telling me, especially because I saw his boss at the grocery store on Tuesday and he said my boyfriend was fired three weeks ago. Do you think he’s having an affair, or am I just being paranoid???
Sincerely,
Lost in Louisiana
Mademoiselle “Lost,”
It is the privilege of men that we should maintain relations with as many beautiful women as will bear our affections… and some of those who don’t, hahaha! You are not paranoid, for surely your boyfriend is having affairs, but why such consternation over what is simply the state of nature? If you should be a true woman, either maintain your beauty and live as a mistress, or marry and bear this man’s children; but in either case know that he is entitled to the seduction of others, and probably has syphilis.
Vive le France,
King Louis the Great
Dear Sun King,
My partner and I are renovating our condo in San Francisco’s Castro district, but we’re having a real disagreement over lighting fixtures. He wants to go with a repurposed/salvaged look but I think that contrasts badly with the polished chrome hardware on the cabinetry! Anyway, we’ve been sleeping in separate beds for the past couple of nights, and I’m tired of jerking off alone in the shower but also, his design ideas are terrible. What should I do??
Sincerely,
LonelyBoy
Monsieur “LonelyBoy,”
When I was building the great palace of Versailles — the greatest and most beautiful palace this world has ever known — my opulence had two primary goals: to showcase my power and wealth, and to create a marvelous dancing hall where I might star in royal ballets. Allow the two principles of power and dance to guide your design, and you shall not go astray.
Vive le France,
Louis the Great
PS: When in doubt, go with gold.
Dear Sun King,
Last year my daughter got engaged. They have been planning a small but elegant wedding at our house — my husband and I agreed to this a year ago, and all the planning is already in place. But three months ago, my husband lost his job. Just staying in our house until he gets another job might take all of our savings — who knows how long he’ll be unemployed in this economy! But in two weeks, we’re supposed to have sixty people at our home for a party that we can’t afford. I don’t want to disappoint my daughter on her big day, but — what should we do?
Sincerely,
Broke in Boise
Mademoiselle “Broke”,
To live in splendor is to live in debt. Do you think the construction of Versailles bankrupted the entire nation of France, ultimately setting the stage for the Revolution to come? It did not, but my multiple wars sure did! Ah, but such are the demands of a divine sovereign. We must seize luxury at every opportunity. The peasants who harvest the gardens for your banquet will make do.
Vive le France,
Louis the Great
PS: What is a “job”?
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