The Random Thoughts of JHM

Random Thought: Grass

If I was, or were, to say, “Bermuda grass does not actually grow in Bermuda,” then would you want to know some more little somethings about grass? Keep reading.

Let’s just say you just happen to be curious about what type of grass would be a good fit in your backyard, perhaps to go around your deck or your pool. In this case, you’d be in luck. I know everything there is to know about grass. Let’s say you live in California. Let’s say you like to play on your deck or in your pool, but you would rather play in some grass or on a lawn. Your deck is air-conditioned, your pool is heated, or, let’s just say, the edge of your deck is two feet tall or your pool is six feet deep. Who the fuck cares? Go with Bermuda.

The best grass in the world is found in California, on Haight and Belvedere in San Francisco. This rare strand of grass is called “The Chronic.” There are only a few people who know the secrets of how to grow it. They are known as the Grassmasters. It is said that every day during the growth cycle of a lawn of “The Chronic,” the Grassmasters apply lotion to their hands to get them soft and smooth the way a barber’s hands should be, and then by hand they trim each piece of grass. It’s also for sale on Haight Street. In fact in that general area you can buy “The Chronic” at a reasonable price. All you have to do is just snap your finger and your thumb together or just flick your wrist and give a little wave at Herb or Bud, or Roach, or whoever else is there. Then you’re set.

There are only two types of grass: the Bermuda, a bright-green strand, which, unlike a blade of grass, grows into a nail that will poke the shit out of people, dogs and cats; and “The Chronic,” which has a stanky-stank-stank and goes great with milk and cookies or pie with no crust.